YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. Last week's letter (18 November) from the friends of the man with dyed hair prompted me to write. A friend of my own has made the mistake of compensating for thinning hair on the crown of his head by growing an enormous black beard. His friends are united in their abhorrence, but our pleas for him to shave it off are ignored. The problem is that his wife is thrilled by the experience of going to bed with a great black bear-like creature, and no amount of persuasion will work while she is in the concupiscent thrall of his new persona. We long to see his handsome fea- tures reappear and wonder if there is any way that this vexing problem could be resolved without rocking the marital boat?
L. G., Fobsury, Wilts A. I understand that the man in question lives in the W11 district of London. You can therefore easily tempt him along to the near- by premises of Screenface, theatrical make- up suppliers of Powis Terrace in the same quarter. Once inside, he will be astounded at the impressive selection of facial hair avail- able to any purchaser, not just actors. The hair is safely applied with mastic spirit gum, and ranges from minimal moustache only, through to chin beard and mutton chops, up to full Earl-of-Stockton-style moustache, beard and sideburns at £89. It will soon be apparent that he can now please everyone — his friends, by getting rid of his real beard, and his wife, for whom he can don a convinc- ing falsie at bedtime. With a short leap of his imagination, he will see that he can even amuse his wife further. By purchasing a whole range of falsies, the number of per- sonas with whom she goes to bed can be vir- tually unlimited!
Q. What is the correct way of getting rid of Jehovah's Witnesses when they come to the door?
A.S., Yorks A. You should immediately ask them the question, 'Do you wholeheartedly believe in this doctrine?' When the Witnesses reply in the affirmative, you can say, 'Well, then you will understand when I tell you that I wholeheartedly believe in the doctrine of the Church of England and that there is no point in your talking to me.' With your head nodding kindly but firmly you can then shut the door.
Q. Last Sunday I attended a pre-lunch drinks party for a hundred people in north Wiltshire. My hostess was serving a very good Bloody Mary which was also very salty, and consequently I drank far too much of it in a bid to 'slake' the thirst the very drink was inducing. I was not the only one to drink too much and the party went with an enormous swing, so I thought you might like to suggest salty Bloody Marys to your readers in the run-up to the Christmas period as a good way of spicing a party up.
MW, Wilts A. Thank you for your tip. Some hostesses achieve the same effect by serving Bombay Mix as a supplement to their cocktails, but this has the disadvantage of leaving an unattractive film of grease around the mouth which is disagreeable during the inevitable kissing procedures at the end of such parties.
Previous page
