HEARD ANY GOOD EXCUSES LATELY?
Robbie Millen today launches a
competition to find the silliest apologies for train delays
IT is one of those great British moments of togetherness, of collective feeling, when people of all walks of life share, dare one say it, a moment of socialisation. There we are, locked together in some motionless train or waiting in a huddled mass on the platform, all united in hilarity at the excuse.
Usually the apologies from the rail com- pany elicit nothing but a low murmur, the odd curse, a shaking of the head and glar- ing at the watch. But sometimes, every now and then, the transport services enchant us with an explanation of such ravishing idiocy that a stunned gurgle fans out through the crowd, and we save it, treasure it, for the purposes of anthology.
And therefore I would like to inaugurate on this page a competition to find the best and most impudent account for a delay yet supplied. To launch the search, here are some of the finest that we have so far been able to collate.
Everyone remembers 'the wrong kind of snow' (winter 1991) and 'leaves on the line' (autumn 1997). This past summer we have had the 'wrong kind of sun' (to explain why an engineers' slow-moving train had been unable to see the signals). Meanwhile, a delay to Kent-bound trains from Charing Cross was due to the 'sun bending the track', Winter remains the cruellest season, however. In February this year a Virgin Trains' driver asked over the Tannoy, 'Has anyone on the train got an adjustable spanner we can borrow?', which was a spin-off of an earlier plea: 'Are there any passengers who possess a hammer?' It would help if the rail companies possessed a dictionary. Trains never stop anywhere these days; they 'terminate'. As in: 'This train has been terminated due to the fact that the engine is about to blow up'. That at least seemed reasonable.
When the rail companies can't think of new excuses, they fall back on the old favourites, hoary veterans from the glory days of BR: sheep and cows grazing on the line, low-flying crows, farmers chasing dis- tempered and liberated bullocks, a delay because of a sunbathing fox. All these have been recorded recently, together with an escaped boa constrictor, mating herons and hamsters who fled their packing-box.
The West Coast Line and the Chiltern Line have both recently been the victim of organised rabbit vandalism — their war- rens cause landslides. if it's not rabbits, it's rodents: 'we apologise for trains not turn- ing up, but this was due to rodents gnaw- ing through our signalling cables' was a recent example from the line between Chelmsford and Shenfield. The catch-all `rodents' is used not because of a want of naturalist knowledge but because the little critters tend to be unidentifiable as any- thing other than fried flesh.
Even the tiniest creature can cause may- hem as a Tannoyed message on Connex South East made plain: 'We apologise for the cancellation of the Ashford train. The driver's cab is infested with fleas.' Not long ago flies on the windscreen caused a delay for the 08.56 Victoria to Eastbourne, as the driver had to manually soap the win- dow down.
Then there is human failing, A recent Waterloo station announcement left little room for doubt: 'We wish to apologise for the late running of the 17.05. This was due to staff incompetence.' Other gems include: 'There will be a short delay as your driver is currently in a taxi near Wat- ford'; 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay. This is due to the driver's cab being in reverse to the direction of travel'; and a London Underground driv- er's announcement that 'I seem to have
`Teenagers these days.' taken the wrong turning, I have never done this before' — as he powered towards Aldgate East instead of Aldgate. There was a 40-minute delay on the Cardiff to Birm- ingham line because a driver had to announce he was lost and needed to be guided for the last seven miles into majes- tic New Street. A more astounding act of incompetence was the cancellation and dis- ruption of InterCity trains between the Midlands and London because of a simple error: Rai1track had failed to pay a £400 bill to East Midlands Electricity Board, who then cut off the electricity to a busy signal box.
Other explanations for delay have been given as a lover's tiff between a driver and his ex-girlfriend, the conductor; someone forgetting to put fuel in the engine; and a driver's shoe falling off. Then there was the unbeatable announcement: 'British Rail apologises, but the driver has suddenly gone on a one-man strike'; and the cancel- lation of the 17.30 from Exeter St David's to Paignton because a supervisor would not allow a conductor to travel on a train unless he wore his regulation tie, despite the sweltering summer heat.
If problems are not created by staff, then it's the fault of the passengers. The late arrival of the 08.05 Beeston to St Pancras was blamed on too many people getting on at that small suburban stop (had the com- pany considered the possibility that people after purchasing their tickets might want to board?). A more acceptable excuse for a delay on the Harwich–London line was a naked bridegroom handcuffed to the lug- gage rack, who had to be released by fire- men. Yet the railway companies still care, even if passengers cause them a lot of grief. Hence, the Great North-Eastern Railway 'announcer who pleaded: 'Would passen- gers please not hang around King's Cross because it's a bit dodgy.'
London Underground is always creative: `This train will be going nowhere for seven minutes because there aren't very many trains behind us,' But to show how hi-tech Britain now is, LU has recently complained that delays are caused on the Central Line by 'electromagnetic interference from com- puters and mobile phones in the City'. Despite some £800 million being spent on a train and signalling operation system, the existence of mobile phones in the City came as a bit of a surprise. So what's the meaning of it all? Delays and cancellations teach us that nature has an awesome power over us, there is a limit to human endeavour and that technology is a sign of vanity. They are also a reminder of mankind's capacity for stupidity and pride. Announcements such as 'This train is being regulated due to problems on the train behind us' prompt us to think about our interdependence, or Chaos theory, where the flapping of a butterfly wing can cause an earthquake. Perhaps we should be grate- ful to the rail companies. Whatever, but do send in samples of outrageous apologies.
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