YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED Q. A generous member of my club
offered to repair my croquet mallet at no cost — an offer gratefully accepted. But while it was away in his workshop I used another mallet which has improved my game. By the time the repair had been effected, I found this second mallet greatly to my liking and I no longer wish to play with the old one. How can I use my new mallet without appearing ungrateful?
G. W., Address withheld A. Tell your friend that an elderly relation took a turn with the repaired mallet and, finding it improved her game enormously, developed a passionate attachment to it. health, this relation is not in the best of uealth, and croquet is one of the few plea- sures left to her, you felt you should respond to her rare display of enthusiasm Shlending her the mallet in perpetuity. thing away this sacrifice as being the only tiling you could do and your fellow club member will certainly understand.
Q. I recently read about a middle-aged man who had had a worrying experience on a flight to Rome. He followed a `thirtysome- executive-style woman on to the air- craft to find her trying to put cabin baggage, clearly well above the allowable limit, into the overhead rack and holding up those try- ing to find their seats in the process. She
Dear Mary.. .
asked for his help and he declined with, probably uncharacteristic, asperity. No doubt his concern for aircraft safety, the success of the women's movement, which has so cruelly dented man's natural chivalry, a dodgy back and the urgent need for a stiff drink played their part in framing his retort. I have a fel- low feeling, particularly in the back. What advice can you give, should I be placed in that position, which would allow me to decline a lady's plea without sounding like an airline policeman, misogynist or malingerer? J.E., East Claydon, Buckinghamshire A. Since there is no alternative to blocking the aisle while one struggles to load baggage into an overhead locker, it cannot reason- ably be deemed an antisocial act. Loading excessive baggage into the locker is, on the other hand, quite a substantial social crime. Not only is there a risk of the baggage burst- ing out of the locker during turbulence and plummeting on to the heads of those below, thereby inflicting brain injuries, but a pas- senger is even likely to inflict these through straightforward clumsiness during insertion and withdrawal from the locker. Should a lady make such a plea to you in the future, you can answer pleasantly, 'I'd love to help you but I believe there's some new EU rule that only the steward is allowed to do it. Let me press the bell and summon one for you.' With any luck the steward will then perform vicarious chastisement on your behalf and the excessive baggage will be banished to the hold.
Q. A couple notorious for their theatrical levels of lust are coming to stay shortly and I wonder how I can politely discourage them from allowing the night-time sound- effects emerging from their bedroom to breach acceptable limits. I am not just con- cerned about our young children being frightened by the racket, my husband and I also find the display tiresome.
J.F., Penrith, Cumbria A. As you show the guests into their room, chuckle, 'I hope this is all right for you, but just one word of warning — the baby alarm is so powerful that virtually anything any- one says in the whole house is transmitted over it, so you'd better not say anything rude about us!'
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