COMPETITION

Whenas. .

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1588 you were asked for a nine-line variation of Herrick's famous poem, yours beginning `Whenas ., — my Julia(n) —'. • You were by no means first in this field. Owen Seaman and E. V. Knox of Punch fame did charming six-liners in their day. There was a huge and adroit entry, which smacked of zest. Salient pleasure-givers were Roger Woddis, John Sweetman, Jer- myn Thynne, D. Shepherd and Gerry Hamill CI know your grandma came from Troon/But I can't let you out at noon/ Dressed like some bloody Punch cartoon'). Eight pounds each to the many deserving prizewinners below, and the bonus bottle of Lamberhurst 1986 Seyval Blanc Dry English Wine, presented by Stephen Skel- ton of Lamberhurst Vineyards, goes to Elizabeth Thomson.

Whenas in tweeds my Julian walks, I feel myself the prey he stalks: His eyes on mine hang like a hawk's.

In woven nets of brown and green I am imprisoned but serene, Reposing in a rural scene.

Love, wear my heart upon thy fob!

Heedless of my impassioned sob, He crushes it beneath his Lobb.

(Elizabeth Thomson) Whenas to silks my Julia takes, Ah, then how much my spirit aches For her to win the Maiden Stakes!

I walk behind her, stricken dumb By how those skin-tight pants become The subtle contours of her bum.

Her boot-clad calves my teardrops force.

She mounts, and canters up the course.

My God! I wish I were the horse. (Noel Petty) Whenas in shoes my Julian goes, 'Tis quite absurd how cross he grows At such restriction of his toes.

And when I wheel him down the street And stop to talk to friends we meet, His shoes discreetly leave his feet.

But home, from hampering clothes set free, He kicks and chuckles, full of glee. Oh how that laughter pleases me! (June F. Langfield) Whenas in jeans my Julia goes, The self-inflicted tears disclose A skin as pink as any rose; And when she lithely passes by, The straining fabric round each thigh Suggests much more than meets the eye; But, when I view her from the rear, The label makes the message clear: Do not forget, these goods are dear.

(Keith Norman) Whenas in kilt my Julian hies, The Sassenach lassies a' surmise There's cutty breeks aboon his thighs; But ilka Kirsty, Jean or Meg Kens weel that mair than gude Scots leg Gaes nakit 'neath the philabcg.

Sae a', frae castle, manse or croft, Sair envy me, wha keek fu' oft When Julian's kilt is pu'd aloft.

(W. F. N. Watson) Whenas in church my Julia sat, In the next pew in front, her hat Was somethig to be marvelled at, With luscious cherries round the brim That tumbled sweetly from the rim As joyfully she trilled the hymn.

But now she sits here at my side, Though all my dreams are satisfied, That blessed view I am denied.

(Ginger Jelinek) Whenas plus-fours my Julian wears, I often wonder how he dares To brave the fascinated stares.

For in his bishop's purple socks With gaudy crocus-yellow clocks, How skeletal his homely hocks!

Yet, yet I know upon that chest Puny in awful hand-knit vest, My head will always come to rest. (N. E. Soret) Whenas in shorts my Julia comes, All laughing eyes and healthy gums, Two tiny pearly crescent bums Peep out beneath the hem of these Abbreviated pants to tease.

My mother says, 'You'd think she'd freeze.'

But how they please and draw the eye Of any manly passer-by And make a better world thereby!

(J. C. M. Hepple) Whenas in gilts my Julian goes, Then, then, methinks, I might impose Upon his plump portfolios.

In stocks and bondage I've a knack, So, Julian, lead me to the sack: Gilts are my aphrodisiac.

This glittering passion doth perplex; It isn't love, it isn't sex, But to the hilt a gilt complex.

(Joan Van Poznak) Whereas in jeans my Julian goes, His brilliant-studded footwear glows On psychedelic-socked toes.

Bermuda shorts he finds just great And vainly do I remonstrate — It merely puts him in a bate.

A tie and jacket once he wore. His change in standards I deplore, For Julian is eighty-four. (Ba Miller)