No life
Planetary turmoil
Toby Young
Having moved in with my girlfriend four weeks ago, I have decided the time has come to seek some 'relationship coun- selling', particularly as Caroline's only agreed to live with me for three months, at least initially. I don't mean anything as ambitious as 'couples therapy', which is far too expensive, but I thought it might be a good idea to start reading up on the sub- ject, find out what the experts have to say. I resolved to start at the top. I bought a copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray, Ph.D. This book, which was first published in America in 1992, is currently number three on the Sun- day Times non-fiction, paperback bestseller list. John Gray's thesis — the subject of his book, that is, not his Ph.D. thesis — is that the reason most relationships founder is because men and women treat each other as if they're basically the same, when in fact they're fundamentally different. They're so different, he believes, it's useful to think of them as coming from separate planets: Mars and Venus. Accepting this fact, and learning to respect each other's planetary culture, so to speak, is the first step in building a long, successful relationship.
I decided to plunge straight into the sec- tion that summarises the differences between the sexes. 'Martians,' Gray writes, 'value power, competency [sic], efficiency, and achievement.' Wait a minute, I thought. That doesn't sound like me at all. It sounds like Caroline. 'Venusians,' Gray continues, 'value love, communication, beauty, and relationships.' Now, that sound- ed like me. The terrible truth dawned: Car- oline's from Mars and I'm from Venus.
I have to confess, I've long suspected that a gender role-reversal has taken place in our relationship. As a freelance journal- ist, I stay at home during the day, while Caroline, who's at law school, leaves the house at 8.30 a.m. and returns at 6 p.m. Being a writer, I'm always looking for an excuse not to work, so I'm perfectly happy to spend my days doing mundane house- hold chores. Caroline, by contrast, can't even iron a pair of trousers. I like to talk during the evening, ideally about the minu- tiae of our relationship, while Caroline prefers to collapse in front of the telly with a can of Fosters.
Okay, I made that last bit up, but she definitely has more Martian characteristics than me. 'One of the biggest differences between Martians and Venusians,' Gray writes, 'is how they cope with stress. Mar- tians become increasingly focused and withdrawn while Venusians become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved.' Caroline is currently taking her mid-sessional exams and is so focused and withdrawn she emerges from her study — formerly my den — only to watch EastEn- ders. I, on the other hand, am practically tearing my hair out with anxiety on her behalf. At least, I would be if I had any hair. Baldness is one of the few Martian traits I do possess. Caroline's not what you'd call a girly girl. In fact, I sometimes wonder if she's a girl at all. The other day we were discussing some of her aggression issues — she's a keen amateur boxer, among other things — when it occurred to her that she might have some male hor- mones floating around in her system. 'D'you think I can take anything to reduce my levels of testosterone?' she asked. 'Why not just have your balls surgi- cally removed?' I suggested. She almost floored me with a right hook. To a certain extent, Caroline's Martian qualities and my Venusian ones are attributable to our ages. As a 36-year-old, I'm a member of that generation who transformed themselves into New Men in the Eighties — and then couldn't reverse the process when women decided they preferred macho men after all. Caroline, on the other hand, is 25 and seems to have been weaned on a diet of rap lyrics and Arnold Schwarzenegger videos. I don't know any boys her age — why would I? — but her girlfriends are all as laddish as she. Her favourite glossy mag- azine is GQ, while I'm rather fond of Vogue.
Given our generational differences, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is quite a useful manual for us, so long as we remember to reverse the genders. Sum- ming up the differences between the two, Gray writes: 'Where the Martians were hard, the Venusians were soft. Where the Martians were angular, the Venusians were round. Where the Martians were cool, the Venusians were warm. In a magical and perfect way their differences seemed to Complement each other.' It's true. Provided I don't forget that it's Caroline who wears the pants, we get along famously.
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