YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. I am a British diplomat and, as such, have a soft spot for foreigners who, after all, cannot help it. A few years ago I was attending an important function in Bonn when I was approached by a godlike figure who had evidently overheard me speaking in English. 'Hey!' he bellowed. 'Can you point out some top-level krauts?' Because I am naturally inclined to hero-worship, I managed nothing more than a simper of complicity. What clever put-down could I have employed to make it clear to Boris Johnson that he should not assume that, Just because one is British, one is also a xenophobe? I hope you will not mind me Withholding my name and address, but I know of Mr Johnson's closeness to the For- eign Secretary, and fear reprisals. Name and address withheld A. You could have replied, 'Why? Do you have someone top-level you want to intro- duce to them?'
Q. I am a prolific journalist who enjoys lunching out. Although I have an expense account for those occasions when I am on legitimate business, I must pay for purely social lunches myself. It is clear from the way friends' eyes glaze over when bills are presented, however, that they assume I can cover it 'on expenses'. I do not mind paying for friends even if they are much richer than me, but it would be a consolation if they were to realise that I was paying from my own pocket. How can I make this clear without being crass'? I feel I am being denied the goodwill that would normally accrue to me following largesse of this kind. Name and address withheld A. When the credit-card receipt arrives, tear it ostentatiously into smithereens at the table. Carry on with the tearing process until the pieces are confetti-sized and your lunching guest is driven to ask, 'But don't you need to keep the receipt to claim your expenses?' Then you can smile pleasantly and say, 'Oh no. I can't get social lunches off income tax or expenses, and I always think that for security reasons — credit- card fraud and that sort of thing — it's best to tear up these rather useful little scraps of paper in case they fall into the wrong hands.' Q. Without appearing to be weak in faith, how can I let my priest know that I do not enjoy Mass going on for well over an hour? I'm not the only one who feels this way — many mutter on departure, thus losing the feelings they should have after attendance at church. Forty-five minutes, especially where there are children, would seem suffi- cient. What do you suggest?
YE., Farnborough A. During friendly discussion say that you feel it is such a shame that today's chil- dren are being robbed of the full benefits and rewards of a strong faith since their concentration spans have been so corrupt- ed by the Three-Minute Culture. Inquire whether he knows if there are any shorter services being conducted in the vicinity. Look animated if he says yes and tells you where such services are held. pass that on!' you can say with enthusiasm. 'It's not just for the children, but I can think of quite a few adults who might be seduced back to church if they thought there was a local service of, say, 45 minutes that they could go to!'
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Maly, do The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC IN 2LL.
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