Westminster Corridors

One of the qualities which greatly endears our Parliament men to Puzzle is the astounding agility with which the creatures can stand upon their heads. Never has that agility been more notable than in this recent week, after certain journals had set up a great disturbance to the effect that Skipper Old Mahogany Heath was about to call a general election.

It had appeared to Puzzle, who attends diligently upon their words, that it was for this that Midshipman Wilson and his crew in the foc'sle had been clamouring for a great while.

Also the Prophet Powell, from his quarters, had seemed to signal that an election was greatly to be desired, though it is often hard to discern just what the Prophet reckons to be desirable, most things appearing to him to be very undesirable.

As for Banker Thorpe, Rumbusty Pardoe, Gargantuan Smith and others in the Liberal longboat, they seemed to agree on nothing else but that the Skipper should speedily be hoist upon the hustings.

But lo, it was lately revealed that all are now of the opposite persuasion, and consider a general election to be highly deplorable.

The Midshipman, strangely subdued, was greatly concerned to exhort Old Mahogany to keep a certain ball in play between himself and the Good Auntie TUC, well knowing that if he continued to bat this ball from one court to another, there would be no time left to go electioneering.

All this about balls being in one court or the other bewildered the simple Puzzle, for he had earlier been told by one Master Michael Barnes, who looked a knowledgeable fellow, that the Good Auntie and the Skipper were performing a ballet, a spectacle which Puzzle would be entertained to see.

Legs Skinner, having donned a new pair of lemon socks, or having washed the old pair, sought to prevail on the Skipper to end the silly speculation and tell him privately whether there would be an election. The question was a deal sillier than the specula tion. Indeed, all such questions which have been put to the Skipper by the Parliament men and the newspaper scribes, seeking to snare him into revealing his mind on this matter, are a very great nonsense. For there is one thing plain to Puzzle, and to many others. It is that the Skipper did not then know his own mind, and thus could have nothing to reveal.

Banker Thorpe, who rates himself a sharp performer in these diversions, opined that if the Skipper ceased playing ball or dancing a

pas de deux with the Good Auntie and sought the judgement of the electors, he would merit

contempt. Which is very mysterious, as above all others, the Liberal folk are commonly held to believe that there is no greater virtue than to ascertain at all times the will of the people.

From a place apart, but in words which were quickly noised about the Parliament ,house, the Prophet Powell declared that to require the verdict of the people now would be downright immoral.

"Its sole purpose," quoth he, sternly, "would be to obtain a larger parliamentary majority and an extended lease of office by false pretences." These grave words set Puzzle wondering what general election there had ever been in which this was not the sole purpose.

The Prophet went on that it would be unworthy of British politics and dangerous to Parliament itself "to tell the public one thing during an election and do the opposite afterwards." Which renders very marvellous the long survival of Parliament, for is this not what governments have been doing since the thing began?

On a later day, Puzzle witnessed yet more absurdities from the Commons fellows. There arose a roar of Lyons. Master Alexander Singular Lyon, aided by one Cormack, endeavoured to trick Simple Farmer Prior into betraying knowledge of what the Skipper did not yet know, his mind concerning an election.

With lively wit the Simple Farmer retorted that this was a matter for the Skipper. Whereupon Master Edward Plural Lyons pressed the House to pass a Bill to prevent the Skipper doing what he had not yet decided to do, well knowing that if the Skipper did decide to do it, the Bill could not be passed anyway. This was rated a highly ingenious exercise in futility.

Most wondrous of all, the Valkyrie from Tynemouth, Dame Irene Ward, arose at the back of the Chamber to proclaim that never had there been such a first class skipper as Skipper Heath. If any but Dame Irene had spoken thus, all would have reckoned it a piece of malicious wit. As Dame Irene is past both malice and wit, all had to presume that she really meant it, so there was great cheering and hilarity and the Skipper looked more mahogany than ever.

He said he was greatly pleased that so many agreed with Dame Irene, which did not appear to Puzzle to be exactly what they were doing.

Then ensued some hubbub in both Parliament Houses concerning the conduct of that rogue, Lord Ruddigore Carrington, who broadcast information that steel makers would be permitted to use electric arc furnaces, neglecting first to tell the Parliament men.

Lord Antarctic Shackleton denounced this as a great outrage and discourtesy. Ruddigore reasonably excused himself by saying that he thought what he had to tell was so excessively boring that he felt it to be a courtesy to withhold it from the House.

Puzzle would have commended this as sensible, but that Ruddigore's action started up the tedious Toniben in the Commons to prate again that the Ministers had invented the three-day week just to spite the coal miners. Anything which starts off Toniben is a great misfortune, so Puzzle warmly agreed with Antarctic Shackleton that it had been a grave error of judgement. Having observed, besides Ruddigore, Mr Reasonable Robert Carr, Coal-hewer Roy Mason, sundry pictures of the Skipper, Ulster Willie Whitelaw, and divers great heaps of coal on the television, Puzzle wearily concludes that it would be wise to send the Parliament men back to their place, where the cameras cannot see them.

Then the television might concentrate on yet more great heaps of coal, as being infinitely gayer entertainment.

Tom Puzzle