Low life

Side-swipe

Jeffrey Bernard

Speculation as to the choice of the England squad to bore the arse off the rest of the world ended early this morning after hours of agonising and soul-searching deliberation on the part of the selectors who'd been in secret conclave in the Coach and Horses for the past six months. Without further ado I shall name the team. Strikers: Andre Previn, Melvyn Bragg, Jill Tweedie, Colin Welland, Alan Ayckbourn, Germaine Greer.

Midfield: Clement Freud, Bernard Levin, Michael Parkinson, Russell Harty. Defenders: Erin Pizzey, Lord Longford, Peter Langan.

Goalkeepers: Malcolm Muggeridge, Bruce Page.

Reserves: Richard Baker, Martin Amis, Angela Rippon, Angela Levin, Polly Toynbee, Antonia Fraser, 'oonter Davies. Referees: Harold Pinter, Michael Foot. Linesmen: John McEnroe, Charles Osborne.

The team's strip, designed by Claire Tomalint consists of blue stockings, no knickers, and thinking caps. Team physio- therapist is Jeremy Thorpe and coach is Francis Bacon.

The Spectator football correspondent gives the following 'pen portraits' of some members of the squad we hope will bring the Simon de Beauvoir World Golden Ball back to Britain.

Andre Previn. Early developer. Showed promise as an opportunist in early teens. A serious facade hides an impish and totally mindless performer. Votes Tory, reads the Sun. Hobbies: impressionable girls. Melvyn Bragg. North Country profes- sional. Takes the game extremely seriously. Good in the air and has suffered ade- noidal damage as a result. Groupies' fav- ourite.

Jill Tweedie. Considered by many to be the country's most dangerous sharpshooter. Captain of Guardian Wanderers, married to Punch reserve player. Brilliant at set Pieces. Tackles hard and is said to puncture balls during training sessions. Colin Welland. Probably the most serious Player in squad. Very important in any Position and oozes confidence, but could have chinks exposed by any thinking oppo- nent.

Germaine Greer. Ex-Woomera Wanderers now playing for Turin Waiters. Once the ball's at her feet it's hard to get a tackle, never mind word, in. Veteran with bags of experience. Makes excellent passes. Clement Freud. Least said soonest mended. A thorn in opposition sides as well as own Side. Tackles by buttonholing. Bernard Levin. Captain and brilliant schemer. Tends to dribble for too long. Consistent but completely outplayed by mediocre Greek team recently.

Michael Parkinson. Flashy player. Needs constant support but has done well since deprived childhood playing in under-23s for Barnsley. Could have reached top as a hair- dresser.

Erin Pizzey. Ruthless, hard defender. Loves a floodlight friendly and is at her best against aggressive strikers. Captain of Hackney Harridans.

Lord Longford. Persistent defender. Tends to score own goals and concede corners, but can bore opposition into ground. Vice cap- tain of Broadmoor Hotspurs.

Peter Langan. Bulky, strong defender. Doesn't take training too seriously and over fond of the 'professional' foul. Malcolm Muggeridge. The safest pair of hands in England. Originally a terrace yob- bo, has seen the light and is example to any aspiring schoolboy footballer. Forward turned keeper. Bruce Page. Single-minded, clinical. Has stopped many good shots but takes an age to make clearances. Of the reserves our correspondent says of Martin Amis: Brilliant schoolboy soccer Player. Has been showing potential and talent for past 50 years. Could this be his Year? Richard Baker and Angela Rippon: Two very famous players but yet to prove themselves capable of anything at top level. Polly Toynbee: Dedicated. Said by team- mates to be difficult in changing room. Angela Levin: Midfield potential and ex- pert at making room. Very dull stuff to watch though. Antonia Fraser Friend of referee's.

PS. Geoffrey Wheatcroft, Alan Watkins, Richard West and Fergus Cashin are suffer- ing from groin injuries and will, as usual, be watching from the bench.