COMPETITION

Bouts limes

Jaspistos

IN Competition No. 1515 you were asked to write a poem with given rhyme- words in a given order.

The set of rhyme-words was taken from Auden's Letter to Lord Byron. I admit that 'Lawrence' was a bit of a scope-narrower: it tended to be six of T.E. to half a dozen of D.H. But even if the Friar in Romeo and Juliet is spelled the wrong way, there are still the saint who was broiled, Browning's abhorrent Brother in the Spanish cloister, the painter, and (well done those of you who used it so well) the Canadian river. Among the cluster of runners-up were Noel Petty, Robert Baird, David Heaton, who invented a naughty deaconess called Lesley Lawrence, Stanley Shaw ('I

changed my name from Lazarus to Lawrence/Wishing no more to play a Jew- ish part . . .'), and Alan Bancroft, who began, well recall my interview with Lawrence' and ended memorably, "Ah, well," I thought, "I'll have to be forgiving./ We both of us have got to earn a living."' The winners printed below get £12 each, and the bonus bottle of White Horse Whisky, presented by United Distillers Group, is awarded to D.E. Poole, not just 'Mind that pedestrian . . . Look our for the red light.' because he made his par (yes, the spelling is possible) so far from the golf course.

An Iroquois while fishing the St Lawrence Far from Quebec's contaminated part Saw suddenly with shamed and shocked

abhorrence A sight to sour his piscatorial art, A sight to shake the strongest Indian heart. He'd hoped before he saw this reach molested The stars would stand, the sun would halt arrested; Foul fads would never follow here and spoil it, This fly-frequented haunt of smolt and par. But there, as if to spite her stunning toilet, Beside him, coughing through her coarse catarrh,

A woman smoked a pipe like some old tar! It's hard for Iroquois to be forgiving

When women ape their ancient style of living. (D.E. Poole) If you should long to dress like T.E. Lawrence And play the lonely desert-ranger's part, Viewing your cosy life-style with abhdrrence Its talk of peace, prosperity, and art, Forgetting courage and a quiet heart— Wait till you see how progress has molested Each country of the Middle East, arrested Its special growth, used human greed to spoil it.

How can you keep your longing up to par

Now every Bedouin has a flushing toilet, A cupboard full of cures for catarrh, And highways made of universal tar?

He needs, not imitating, but forgiving; For what he values is your way of living.

(Paul Griffin) How can we stay beside the swift St Lawrence While John and Jacques each plays his part In mutual abhorrence?, Was this the aim cit all Wolfe's martial art, The end of Montcalm's dying heart?

Was it for this --- a virgin continent molested, Two European histories arrested?

We've touched this cold bright land to spoil it, And all of us are on a par.

This noble torrent we've made into our toilet, Our belching city yellows snow into catarrh; On breathing earth we pile our bricks and tar.

We'll need a river of forgiving Before Montreal and we can go on living. (Carole Angier) I lent my maiden aunt a book by Lawrence. Of just one page she scarcely read a part And flung it from her with extreme abhorrence.

'But, Auntie dear,' I cried, `it's modern art.'

She turned quite mauve and gasped and clutched her heart.

She vowed that she'd been morally molested; It was my fault her breathing was arrested. She ripped the book. 'Oh, Aunt,' I begged, 'don't spoil it; I'm sorry that you're feeling under par.' I'll tear it up and flush it down the toilet,' She said. 'And now you've brought on my catarrh, And you, my boy, like one who touches tar, Are patently defiled and past forgiving.'

End of my hopes; I now work for a living.

(0. Smith) Our Seneschal's full name is Lawrence de Carteret; it is his part To hold in the utmost abhorrence All villains who practise their art On the Island of Sark. So take heart; If you're robbed or duffed up or molested, The culprit will soon be arrested.

In order that nothing should spoil it The prison is well above par, With two cells and a chemical toilet (But it's damp, so not good for catarrh) And a waterproof roofing of tar.

The [peak can be quite forgiving, But the Constable must earn his living.

(P. Woolley) My parents sailed up the St Lawrence As settlers, and chose the French part To stop in. Despite ad abhorrence Of skunks they Made settling an art And took the Laurentians to heart While staying dead British. Molested By hears they shot three, and arrested A cub which they tamed. I won't spoil it By telling tall tales. It is par For the course that Bru skimps on his toilet; And aerosols give him catarrh; But, when in the summer soft tar Gets clogged round his paws, he's forgiving Of grooming, and grateful for living.

(Mortimer Spreader)