No such luck as Death of an Outsourcing Salesman
‘Hello.’ ‘Am I addressing the esteemed Mrs Johnson?’ ‘No. You are manifestly not addressing her.’ ‘No problem. My schedule say your number is Mrs Johnson, recent purchaser of Solimbong ABR Proprietary. Correct or non-correct?’ ‘Incorrect.’ ‘No problem. Solimbong wish know is he/she satisfied?’ ‘I’m dissatisfied. Who are you?’ ‘My cognomen and given name immaterial, Sir or Madam. Am Area Distributor Representative NorthWest Europe, Solimbong, and Greeting Apache Corporation and Sperm Resources Inc.’ ‘Oh. Where are you speaking from?’ ‘From Davao, Sir or Madam.’ ‘Ah, Davos. Why didn’t you say so? That salubrious and once exclusive Alpine resort. You Swiss have curious accents nowadays. How is my old friend Taki? Is he currently in residence? ‘No, Sir or Madam. My friend and/or near neighbour is chief spokesperson for Intercontinental Residenz und Wirtschaft, Mayfair Salubrious Health Resorts and the Mangochutney Mansion Division. You wish speak him?’ ‘Certainly not. You don’t know Taki?’ ‘No, Sir or Madam.’ ‘Well, well. You live in Davos and you don’t know Taki. I’d call that a contradiction in terms.’ ‘I not live in Davos, Sir or Madam. I live in Davao. ‘Oh, Davao. Where’s that then?’ ‘Esteemed person, it is city in Philippines, not sufficiently yet known for its mushroom proclivities, cut off as it is from Manila by 1,200 kilometres of water and islands.’ ‘And you have the nerve to call me from that one-horse town?’ ‘Multiple excuses, Sir or Madam, but is not one-horse town. Are many horses in Davao. No sell horses yet but if you wish buy into Livestock Futures, let me quote Cattle Live Longhorn Extras currently trading at 89.10 cents per pound, stockyard minimum guaranteed. You with me, esteemed person? Or possibly Lean Hogs, very good bargains there, at Chicago rates.’ ‘Where did you learn all this complicated guff?’ ‘Not complicated, Sir or Madam. You read new edition of Outsourcing Handbook: all difficulties explained, published by Telecom Services, Bangalore, India. This humble nonentity trained at the Davao Call Center Prep School, ten-week Accomplishment Course, graduated cum laude premier division. You with me, esteemed person?’ ‘Yes, I’m with you, sort of.’ ‘Well, Sir or Madam, I was talent-spotted by Cybernasdaq Confederates and Communications and Synergy Convolectico Inc. And now look where I am.’ ‘Well, here’s looking at you, Kid. Goodbye.’ (click) ‘Hello.’ ‘Hello. Getta load of this, man. I’m speaking on behalf of Franklin R. Footlocker, of the Bronco-Bonko Bank of Minnesota, offering unquoted Global Sector Titan Stoxxs at rebarbative prices, and lay-off tender functionals. First, quote me your New York banking account number and sort-code.’ ‘I have no New York bank account.’ ‘Sorry, fellow mortal, wrong continent.’ (click) ‘Hello.’ ‘Hello, hello, hello. Why are you calling me?’ ‘I’m not calling you.’ ‘Oh, yes you are, Mac. Your minor sub-circuit number is flashing on my Stick-with-it Solar Ray Outsourcing Console. You wanna do business on the Euroyen Bum Bench Street Market?’ ‘What are you selling?’ ‘What are we not selling, Mac. Fancy a little Light Sweet Crude at 10 per cent unconditional?’ ‘Unconditional of what?’ ‘Oh, Brent pricemovement in the quarter-point ten-day sector. You dumb or something?’ ‘Why are you so rude?’ ‘I’m not rude, Mac. This is the direct man-to-man heavy sell approach, tailored to suit would-be customers with no time to waste. You’re one such customer, Mac, and I’m zooming in now! How about some Iowa Corn (CBT) at 233.50 cents per bushel, negotiable on either spot or futures? Bearing in mind the explosion, yes, Mac, I’ll repeat that, the veritable explosion of Ethanol plants right across the Midwestern US in the last two years, the biggest investment boom in rural America since the railroad purchasing drive of the late 1840s — you with me, Mac? — during which stock prices of Ethanol plants have risen by 40 per cent. How does that compare with your Dow Jones average, eh Mac? Let alone Nasdaq, if you’re a cheapie. Are you a cheapie, Mac?’ ‘Look here, I resent that remark.’ ‘Naw, naw, Mac, just joking. If your customers appear puzzled, slip in a sure-fire risible. That’s rule 33b.’ ‘Rule 33b of what?’ ‘Why, the Outsourcing Handbook, Mac. Get yourself an education, po-leese.’ ‘Where are you calling from, funny caller?’ ‘From where I am, Mac, I can just see the Big Bend of the Shalimar.’ ‘Ah, now I’m truly with you — Pale hands I loved beside the Shalimar, Where are you now? Who lies beneath your spell?’ ‘Hey, hey, hey, Mac. You propositioning me? I’m not a woman, you know. That high voice of mine is what the handbook calls Central Asian altitude timbre, guaranteed to give greater penetrative power on lousy Third World Telecommunication Systems. Some First World ones, too, eh Mac? And my hands aren’t pale, either. You racist or something?’
‘Pale hand, pink-tipped, like lotus buds that float On those cool waters where we used to dwell, I would have rather felt you round my throat Crushing out life than waving me farewell.’ ‘Hey, Mac, that’s not real. That’s poetry, isn’t it? You giving me poetry now? Well, lemme tell you, the Nasdaq spot has some tempting offers in that sector. How about Press Holdings at 65 cents? Or HandelsmanAlligardi-Heseltine at a flat 40? You said you were a cheapie, did ya? Well, Mac, even you could afford a Conrad-Telegraph-BlackLordship Verse Debenture at 45 cents premium. Got you there, eh? No such stoxxs, ha, ha.’ (click)
‘Hello.’ ‘Hello, worshipful majesty. This is a courtesy call from the Bombay Roll and Giant Chipolata Company, inquiring if you are liking our new product-range of delicious comestibles piping hot from their renewableenergy atomic-fusion groundbreaking ovens, as supplied to —’ ‘Hey, get to the point, Bombay man!’ ‘No sir, I am not from Bombay, far from it. I am from Darjeeling.’ ‘How’s Kanchenjunga looking today?’ ‘Oh, oh, I see you are an educated man, sir. I too am educated, in fact a graduate (BA Failed) of Upper Assam Methodist College. Mountain not visible today, sir, too much mist — monsoon season, you know. As I was saying, sir, as supplied to the Prince of Wales and Duchess Parker Bowles at their approaching nuptials (click) ... Hello, sir? Hello, hello?’ ‘Hello.’ ‘Allo?’ ‘Hello.’ ‘Pourquoi vous dîtes “Hello”?’ ‘You a frog or something?’ ‘Non, monsieur, pas frog, grenouille, s’il vous plaît. Attention. Etes-vous conversant du fait que pour acheter un paquet de riz il faut travailler quatorze fois plus longtemps à Bombay qu’à Zurich? Alors, familiarisez-vous avec les marchés internationals de nourriture.’ ‘You talking from Paris?’ ‘Non, monsieur, Dahomey, Cameroon — (click). Et toi, tu es chameau.’
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