ISLE OF

Ii U RA SINGLE MALI SCOTCH %HMI ISLE OF

COMPETITION

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Carry on

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1857 you were given two opening lines of a poem and invited to carry on.

In Memoirs of an Infantry Officer, Sieg- fried Sassoon (whose military boots were recently auctioned for £650) records that for ten days this couplet kept coming rea- sonlessly into his head. It is, surprisingly, the opening of Cowper's fable 'Pairing Time Anticipated', to which the poet added the footnote: 'It was one of the whimsical speculations of this philosopher that all fables which ascribe reason and speech to animals should be withheld from children as being only vehicles of decep- tion.' So much for Animal Farm.

A huge, grand entry. Special commenda- tions to Brian Ellison, Mary Holtby, A.C. Bowden and John E. Cunningham. The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky is Michael Swan's.

I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau If birds confabulate or no, Nor will I seek to learn from Leibnitz The reason why a hedgehog hibernates (Since he, like fellow-Prussian Nietzsche, Avoids all mention of the creature).

The causes of the desert's dryness Are scarcely touched on by Aquinas; No light is thrown by Wittgenstein On sex in starfish, nor by Quine; While nothing in John Stuart Mill Tells us why rivers run downhill.

Kant's works, piled high upon the table, Cannot explain why I am able To tickle you, but not myself.

I search in vain along my shelf To know why tapeworms were created.

Philosophy is overrated. (Michael Swan) I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau If birds confabulate or no, Not that I do not care Say rather that I do not know How to unearth Monsieur Rousseau: One seeks him everywhere.

It's much the same with Wittgenstein - One simply can't locate the swine To canvass his ideas; And Bishop Berkeley, Socrates, And other thinkers such as these Have all been dead for years.

Marshall McLuhan was no use, Fred Hoyle was helpful, but abstruse. I got my answer, though. I paid a medium eighteen pence To summon up Konrad Lorenz, Who said, 'Well, yes and no.'

(Gerard Benson) I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau If birds confabulate or no, Nor shall I comb Pascal's Pensees To learn why night must follow day; I shall not dip into Montaigne To find out whether trees feel pain, Nor drop in at Les Deux Magots To sound out Jean-Paul Sartre & Co.

Your Johnny Frenchman philosophe Is far too busy showing off The peerless clockwork of his brain To deal with matters so mundane.

For questions of a worldly kind You need a man who lets his mind Follow his senses where they will; A chap like Bentham, Hume or Mill.

So don't be lured by Gallic wits - Support your own empiric Brits! (Noel Petty) I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau If birds confabulate or no; If, when they're perching in a tree, They gossip just like you or me; If they describe, in avian terms, The tastiness of certain worms; Or cry 'Let's go!' when comes the time To take off for a warmer clime.

Though some birds mimic human speech, Eloquence is beyond their reach: Parrots can be a major bore, And ravens just croak 'Nevermore'.

I much prefer the chattering throng Heard in my garden all day long.

I'll never fathom what they say - Or read the works of old J.J. (Peter Veale) I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau If birds confabulate or no.

On every twig they chirp and sing, They call each other on the wing, It's plain enough that they confer In sycamore, plane, beech and fir.

But do the chickens in their coops Speak to the barn owl as he swoops?

Or is there silence between breeds, Specific groups with alien creeds?

Do German geese converse with Dutch?

Or French and Swiss crows gossip much?

Do swallows when they emigrate Stick with an English-speaking mate?

Though Cowper was hung-up on when The cock should choose to wed the hen, It seems more pertinent to men.

(Ginger Jelinek)