YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. Each Christmas and birthday my belle- mere gives presents like special German cleansing agents, books bought at a bazaar, various small kitchen gadgets — essentially totally inappropriate things which I neither want nor need. To make matters worse, when I politely say 'Thank you for the love- 1Y present!' with feigned enthusiasm, she replies, 'Oh, they weren't lovely. They were awful!' I long to say, 'Yes, they were awful. Why then did you give them to me?' but I 'e this would be going too far. What should I do? A.S., Glos 4. Most people in the upper-middle classes have drawers full of dud gifts which they have bought at bazaars and agricultural Shows in a bid to be both charitable and ,efficient. Reply to your mother-in-law's cAocets by sending your own Scuds. Set up a dud present drawer of your own. Give her presents like a Danish/English dictionary, a bicycle lock if she does not have a bicycle. What about a jewelled cat collar if she does not have a cat? The ultimate deterrent ?night be a `willy-warmer', a knitted object 1.11 the shape of a cigar which is meant to be humorous and can be purchased in expen- sive joke shops. If your mother-in-law ques- tions your choice you can reply blandly,
„' ea, isn't it terrible? I buy all these things throughout the year and then feel I have to give them to people whether they are suit- able or not. Don't you? Let's have a pact in future and only give each other things we know we really need.'
Q. I have two young nieces, the Misses Phipps, who have been living abroad for the last three years. I attended both of their christenings, which took place about four and six years ago, and am godfather to one of them. Unfortunately, I cannot remember which one I am godfather to. I have tried asking others who might remember, but no one can. Now that the family is returning to this country, how do I find out which niece is my god-daughter without alerting the parents to my plight? Name and address withheld A. Write a letter which opens, 'My dear god-daughter,' and then goes on to ask whether she would like a certain 'Little Pony' or other likely present which you have seen in an English shop. Address the envelope in fountain pen, say, to 'Miss J Phipps'. Then smudge the ',I' as though by rainwater so that it is unrecognisable as any initial at all. Your god-daughter's parents will intercept the letter and will reply on her behalf. 'Sarah would love the "Little Pony" ', for example. Alternatively, the lit- tle girl may scratch out her own reply, if she is able to write, and will no doubt sign off with her own name, which she will be more likely to use than 'your loving god-daugh- ter'.
Q. Can you recommend a simple, cheap but palate-cleansing dish which I can serve as a pudding course when guests come to sup- per? C.de S., N1 A. Yes. Baked banana is currently accept- able. Simply pop the banana into the oven in its skin and ten minutes later remove it, when it has gone black. Guests can enjoy the satisfying sensation of peeling the black banana skin off to reveal the still yellow contents. They can then ingest it with Greek yoghurt served as a supplement.
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