YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. As an American who has lived in Eng- land for 30 years, I have a wide circle of friends in high and low places in both coun- tries. I find it irritating and vaguely insult- ing to be asked, 'How do you know so-and- so?' I would not dream of asking someone, 'How do you know Jeffrey Bernard or Deb- orah Devonshire?' What can I reply? I cer- tainly do not intend to explain, and further- more it is none of my questioner's business. Thank you for your help.
M.E.B., Grosvenor Square, London WI A. Why not punish these impertinences by pausing, then smirking briefly before asking your interlocutor 'Why? Would you like to get to know them?'
Q. How can I diplomatically impress on my next-door neighbour that property rights encompass domestic pets? My neighbour's wife believes herself to be the Mother There- sa of stray cats and any other beasts passing by her door. She has now taken to feeding the cat, interfering with the careful diet my wife and I have prepared. We abhor fat cats. Last week I found him tucking into two fried eggs and several slices of what appeared to be black pudding. Mary, can you help?
B., West Country
Dear Mary.. .
A. You could control your neighbour by cashing in on the food intolerance craze sweeping the country. Mention to her that you took your cat to the vet following a bout of itching and bloating and were told that his diet must, from now on, be carefully con- fined to a limited menu of foodstuffs which will not trigger his latent allergies. 'I won't bore you with the details of what he can and can't eat,' you can say. If she presses you to do so, enquire why she wants to know. Should she say, 'I like to give him a little treat when he comes to visit me', you can pleasantly request that she no longer does so. Say, 'The vet has told me I must not allow his stomach to be stretched by excessive food intake.'
Q. How can one prevent people from read- ing things out to an assembled company which is not in the mood for listening? I had some friends round to my house the other night for drinks — among them was someone I know less well. We were all just enjoying a laugh and a gossip when this chap produced a lengthy short story he had written and began reading it out. None of us knew him well enough to interrupt and say, 'How long does this go on for?' We didn't want to hurt his feelings though it was, actually, jolly boorish of him to expect to dominate the room for 20 minutes or so. What should we have done?
P.McC., Chesterfield A. As hostess you should have sprung for- ward after a few minutes and said, 'Hang on, this is so interesting, I'm just going to get a tape-recorder so I can listen to it again later. How long does it go on for? I'm not sure how much room I have on my tape.' When the boor replied, 'Oh, twenty minutes or so', you could have invited him to retire to another room where he could record the story in peace. Then you would 'be able to play it back at some other time when everyone is less drunk and better able to concentrate'.
Mary Killen
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