COMPETITION

Magic properties

Jaspistos

IN Competition No. 1477 you were asked for an imaginary example of the extravagant and pseudo-scientific prose used by manufacturers describing their products.

When I was eight and had, as far as I can remember, only one problem, I used to spend hours grappling with it on a lavatory inhibitingly called 'The Shark'. Then it was that the first advertising copy burnt itself into my brain — a sentence of unforgett- able orotundity: 'BROM° is a soft, strong sheet of toilet paper, unsurpassed in quali- ty, purity and durability because it has been cooked under steam pressure for hours before being reduced to the con- sistency necessary for making into paper.' Later came the breakfast cereal whose every globule was guaranteed as having been 'individually fired from a gun', and Iridium, that mystical metal (atomic num- ber 77) which for years was touted as being good for teeth. The shampoo I used yesterday had 'a specially developed lethicin-enriched formula containing cationic polymers'. Plus ca change . . .

A good entry. I was impressed by the number of you who made use of the mesmeric hyphen so dear to the pseudo- scientific seller. Noel Petty, Antony Wynn, J. Hennigan and Paul Williams (a reader in New Zealand) get honourable mentions. Prizes of £15 go to the winners printed below, and the bonus bottle of 904 Gran Riserva from La Rioja Alta, the gift of Mr David Balls of Wines from Spain, goes to Nicholas Murray, whose entry was the most unfantastically funny.

Packed in a circular air-sealed lo-height contain- er, Hi-Gloss boot polish is the most effective

shine product on the market. With its unique anti-scuff ingredient distilled from Guatemalan Balsam and its anti-crack additive which ensures ongoing surface cohesion, Hi-Gloss gives up to ten per cent extra tin-life under normal boot care conditions. Laboratory tests certified by the British Gloss Authority have shown a unique anti-dulling factor even in heavy June down- pours. Extensively tested on London pave- ments, shoes treated with Hi-Gloss have consis- tently registered more prolonged sheen-lives than any comparable shine product and the manufacturers are confident that no other on- market preparation can offer similar lustre-

values. (Nicholas Murray) How does your dog keep fit, your horse have such a glossy coat? By eating grass!

The makers of ROYAL SHAKESPEARE SHAMPO. ° have extracted nature's own hair-enhancing chlorophyll from best quality organically grows, sun-fed British grass and blended it with Ow minerals and essential enzymes steam-drawn from protein-rich Cornish seaweed gathered .at low tide by specialist herbalists, and chamomile heapsemary as used by Queen Elizabeth and r urt. The natural nourishment revives each indi- vidual follicle and brings sweetness and fresh- ness to the deadest, most lacklustre heads.

Nature's live way to keep your hair living!

(George Moor)

Don't be extravagant! A tablespoonful in your Pre-date bath is all you need to make any evening one you can exultantly command. You May have heard of gamates. They are the sex tells of Musci (the generic term for the 15,000 odd varieties of moss). They give rise to spore eaPsules which grow from these plants on long stems. In our laboratories, world-wide, for fifty Years dedicated scientists have laboured to produce the ultimate culture of capsules gar- nered from the Musci of the Amazon rain- forests, the gardens of Java and the slopes of the Jura- We have christened this product GAMOISELLE. It is free of injurious salt. A bare

five minutes' exposure to the enriched warm wate an

r will render you the vibrant personality you cravecrave. We do not promise GAMOISELLE will crave you younger. But we guarantee it will make you feel as many years old as you desire. (Brian Coates) New all-purpose cleaner swim, mingles the singular asperity of freshly zestful Lebanese lemons with the woodland harmony of wild hibiscus. Its new, high-formula distillation has been thoroughly and patiently homogenised in tranquil Tyrolean laboratory settings, and inten- sively tested by a team of highly-qualified chemists, horticulturalists, and the world's most eminent naturalists. Its chiropractic factor is a glorious 1331. The final product scours all known surfaces without scarification, and its special extra pituitary extract produces a romantically heat-resistant gleam. Available only in a brand- new unguent format, complete with consumer- designed set of chemicalised spatulae, SWIRL gives bio-molecular protection to all your house- hold appliances and furnishings, whilst leaving them as glistening as if they had been lightly dusted with a spring dawn's new dew.

(Len Wellgerbil)

THIKORENE, the revolutionary, protein-based hair-catalyst, irradiates human cells with PHON- ZONE JELLY, a derivative of amino-nucleate alkalis, haemoglobin-distillates, ginseng-syrup, llama-sperm, phonzonic-glutamate essences and Siberian permafrost.

PHONZONE JELLY, it is now internationally conceded, reverses the ageing process in sheep, and is chemically linked to the bone-marrow of certain proto-pterodactyls and the legendary Babylonian quail. THIKORENE is the only sham- poo which can be taken both internally and externally, is available as a douche, nose-spray, suppository, liquid shampoo, body-rub, enema, mixer for vodka and gum salve. Basically, THIKORENE photo-synthesises bacteria by in- verse, trans-cell, laser-controlled, cross-flow in- ductive seeping, a process perfected by Dr Sara Thikova of the Minsk Institute. THIKORENE'S action, being both neo-epidermal and sub- pancreatic, eliminates dandruff, dry scalp and alopecia immediately, re-fusing split hair- follicles and regenerating ailing root systems. Try it today.

(Russell Lucas)