Low life
Unbalanced
Jeffrey Bernard
The past few days have been just about as bad as bad can be. I'm still getting some nasty twinges because of the man who cut off his penis. Yes, if you didn't happen to see it in the papers this man cut off his penis and threw it on the fire so that he could devote the rest of his life to God without any distractions. It seems that he and his wife had been discussing the horrific business for the past 12 years and last week he took the plunge. With her blessing wouldn't you know. Well, I've been pondering aspects of this bizarre do-it- yourself surgery and some interesting points arise apart from the very obvious fact that the wife must be a Guardian reader (she's probably already received her `Jill'll Fix It' badge).
But why did the wretched man choose his perfectly harmless penis? Surely he must have realised that sex is in the head and that his penis was merely his solo instrument in a far bigger concerto than you or I will ever comprehend. 1 mean if I wanted to devote the rest of my life to any one thing at all without being distracted I'd cut off my head. Then, of course, I can't help wonder- ing what their sex life must have been like during the past 12 years of disarmament talks. Pretty tentative I should think and, with the thought of the dreadful redundan- cy to come in the back of his mind, maybe non-existent. And another thing, why dispose of the black-balled would-be
member on a fire? What on earth does he think waste-paper baskets are for? I sup- pose he was committing it to hell. And then, in spite of what must have been con- siderable post-operative pain, he discharged himself from hospital after only three days — that is if a man sans penis can discharge himself at ail.
The fact that God didn't intervene in the matter proves my theory that He is a woman after all. But what a typically selfish woman that wife. You wouldn't want to go into the jungle with her. I mean she could have cut off something herself, even if it had only been her hair, just to show willing. What a Grimm business. If the silly man had never got married in the first place he would only have had to cut off his right arm, assuming he's right-handed that is.
What a mug. Wouldn't you be suspicious? I can just imagine a wife saying to me, 'Now, come along. Be a darling and cut it off.' I'd think, 'Now hang on a minute. Is she trying to tell me something? Is this some sort of clue?' I'm not daft you know. And another thing. If you were in his boots having done the deed how would you feel if you saw your renegade wife chatting up the milkman? There's a possible televi- sion comedy series in this. Another criticism I have to make about this now top-heavy evangelist is that to take 12 years to make up one's mind about anything shows a cer- tain lack of resolution. If I was lying in my bath feeling slightly disgruntled and pondering a penisectomy I'd do it there and then. Or would I? Perhaps not. Whereas his pruning was quite ruthless I'd prob- ably chicken out and take it an inch at a time.
So, where will he go from here? What will guide him? Speaking for myself — a bad habit I must get out of — I'm where I am today having followed for 30-odd years the direction in which my penis has pointed. The resultant emotional aggravation has been colossal but I wouldn't have done without it. The aggravation I mean. How slow, calm and tedious would the rat race be if none of us jockeys had whips.
Yes, as I say, it's been a horrid week and I can't help wondering whether our man has had second thoughts. Dear God, it's a sad life. What people do to each other is bad enough. Now I'm beginning to think that madness is self-inflicted. Never trust a man who's not grateful for small mercies.
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