COMPETITION

B ure aucrassy

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1575 you were asked to provide an imaginary office memo con- taining bossy, superfluous or incompre- hensible instructions or advice.

Some years ago, as an elderly, desk- bound employee, I was flabbergasted to receive the following random admonitions under the heading 'Company Code of Practice: Offices': 'Lifting of Loads. a) Get as close to the load as possible; b) Keep your chin up, this will keep your back straight; c) Breathe out before lifting load. Reaching etc. Do not attempt to obtain objects which are beyond your reach . . . Do not climb up shelves themselves. Good Housekeeping. a) Undue hurrying and thoughtlessness causes many, if not most, office accidents. Do not run up or down stairs; b) Watch out for someone coming round a blind corner. The same thing applies for doors opened quickly; c) Do not read while walking.' The effect on me was rather like that of the anatomical diagram of the golfer's correct swing on the back of the jacket of Potter's Games- manship: total paralysis.

A fine entry from far-flung parts. There were excellent performances by Basil Ransome-Davies, Gaille Ellis, A.D.Gib- bons, Brian Ruth and David Heaton (`Staff not seeing this notice will be deemed to have done so'). The winners below get £14 each, and the bonus bottle of Rioja Gran Zaco Reserva, presented by Becket Drake Ferrier Moseley, 57-59 Neal St, London WC2, goes to Simon Herbertson.

During the Area Manageress's visit next Thurs- day wd all female staff please NOT use the Ladies. Instead, use the Gents. Gents to be the Gents between odd and even hrs rspctvly; to be the Ladies between even and odd hrs rspctvlY. Area Manageress may wish to inspect `Gents', during which time the Ladies will become the Gents (or Ladies, depending on the time). Mary is exempt, and may if urgent visit the Ladies! Gents while it is the Gents, or the Ladies while it is the Gents, so long as she doesn't use the Ladies/Gents or Ladies (Ladies/Gents) while the Area Manageress is inside. In general, staff are urged to drink fewer cups of tea than usual.

(Simon Herbertson)

File Management Memorandum 8911575 Flexible Connector Orifices ('FCOs') Research has established that rim profile and location of FCOs are both critical for the ongoing stability of correspondence files. In future the following procedures are mandatory

Creation

Perforation to be achieved only by means of the special punches provided. The use of unsuit- able devices such as ball-point pens or stiletto

heels is strictly forbidden.

Location Orifice placement involves a compromise between insufficient margins which may fail iri operational use and excessive margins which may result in the perforated area impinging on required text. It has been decided to standardise on a 12mm edge-to-centre dimension.

Repeals . This Memorandum supersedes the manuscript document of 27. 5. 1939 headed 'Use of treasury tags'. (Michael Lee)

It is necessary to inform all Mahagers and Foreman Fitters that last month the input on the output was not in accordance with the explicit directives put in the instruction manual put out the month befOre. Insofar as the manual re- quires. output recording to be carried out manu- ally, no forms of any kind should be filled in before all knot-holes in the garden forms have been filled in and the forms so attended to have been carried out. Also, checks made have disclosed that when some batches of benches were returned marked Not in accordance with order', the relevant returns were actually com- pleted before all these returns had been com- pleted. That was bound to cause confusion, as

indeed it did. (P.I. Fell) To obviate recent reprehensible parking irregu- larities two experimental systems will be inaugu- rated on Monday.

When entering the car park from the south- east drivers must follow the double yellow arrows, ighoring the single in the first instance apart from those in bays G to J where the next procedure must be followed before finding an allotted space (Rooth 201). From the north-west approach follow the single arrows only though for bays 0 to R see above.

All cars are to face north in line with the Company image. In Experiment One cars from the south-east will back into parking places. Vice versa for cars from the north-west.

In Experiment Two, starting 10th ult, the reverse will apply. (Ba Miller) Staff are reminded that the doors in this office have been provided for legitimate purposes of ingress and egress only. Use of a door for any other purpose requires the prior written consent of a duly authorised person. Lavatory doors, the doors of broom cupboards and certain doors in the Personnel Department (details available on request) are exempt from the provisions of this notice. Special arrangements will be made for staff with sensitive medical conditions, or in the event of earthquake or other natural disaster. Similar restrictions apply to the use of windows. Staff notice 205/89, regulating the cultivation of carnivorous pot-plants by secretarial grades, is hereby rescinded, pending further consultation with the Staff Restaurant Committee.

(Mark Lambirth) In the event of fire, do not at all costs cease to act immediately, but notify the responSible persons at once. Members of staff shall in such an event comport themselves with utmost comp- osure, seeking to seek out potential victims of the hazard, for whatever reason. No dangerous attempts to rescue victims should be instigated. If overpowered by heat, immediately notify members of the emergency services where they are. Also any cases of smoke. These are to be alarmed immediately. Smoking is absolutely foribdden in such circumstances. Staff should NOT search any buildings for students who are not in fact there. Bags should be left. Any member caught contravening these regulations may be fired forthwith.

(Lene W. Bellgirl)