COMPETITION

Dear Brutus

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2137 you were invited to provide an imaginary correspon- dence in modern idiom between two char- acters in the same Shakespearean play.

This idea came from Maurice Baring's imaginary letter from Goneril to Regan, describing the goings-on in the Albany household while Lear and his hundred knights are staying: 'The other day, when we had a lot of people here, just as we were sitting down in the banqueting-hall, Papa's Fool pulled my chair from behind me so that I fell sharply down on the floor. Papa shook with laughter, and said, "Well done, little Fool," and all the courtiers who were there, out of pure snobbishness of course, laughed too. . . . ' The prizewinners, printed below, take £25 each, and the bottle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky is Fergus Porter's.

From Horatio: I understand times are hard with you — forced to tour rather than a tour de force, as the old joke has it. Times are hard here too. Why not come and cheer us up? The Prince, in particular, would welcome it. Remember Rosencrantz and Guildenstem, both memorably bad in the end-of-term play? They are coming soon. I suggest you travel up with them, but do make it seem a chance meeting. Explain v/5 later. Usual rates, of course. Play to be agreed with Hamlet. Accommodation provided. Please e-mail. Horatio@rottenstate.com.

From First Player. Great to hear from yell 11e invitation was very welcome and, of ccrr''', mum's the word. Attached please find list of PI' sible dramas currently in our repertoire: viole,; heroical, heroical-cloacal, neurotical-clinical, Always ready to improvise, of course, but may be glad to know we've been working on tila

Dido/Aeneas piece he liked so much, Pod er) (Fergus

Dear Sir, Her Majesty requires an asp for cloii; etus. To pass the guard, we recommend t. adopt the guise of a rustic buffoon with a 81 ay, blocked, doff your cap with the words, `Men

an't please your Worships, a clown may look at a queen.' The Romans, as cultural parvenus, have an exaggerated respect for proverbial truth but are weak on the proverbs. Send your reply, like this letter, inside the laundry.

Yours, Charmian, pp Cleopatra

Dear Madam, I shall bring the asp in a basket of figs, and, to counter possible spies, will gabble imbecilically. I suggest we refer to the creature as a 'worm', which now denotes the common earth wriggler in most usages; this should further confuse any eavesdroppers. If soldiers attempt to search the figs, a gestured 'fig' of my own will doubtless distract at the cost of a beating.

Yours, 'Clown' (Chris Tingley)

Sir: What did you mean by telling the Consul to beware the Ides of March? My nerves are in shreds and 1 must not be subjected to this sort of thing. I have discovered that you are not a mem- ber of the College of Augurs and I should be very careful if I were you. If you have informa- tion, divulge it. If not, stop what I can only describe as harassment.

Yours etc., Calpurnia Milady: How wise to write to me about your Ladyship's nervous state! I offer an elixir which cures nine out of ten nervous ailments (enclosed please find testimonials from several senators' wives). As for the Ides, soothsayers never dis- close their sources but I stand by my prophecy.

Your Ladyship's obedient servant, P. Sibyllius Haruspex (Practitioner in Alternative Augury) (A.P. O'Dowd) Dear First Witch, Nice seeing you on the heath the other morning. Please would you return the wind you borrowed? I'd like to try some of the games you play upon sailors, although I haven't your range, natch. Incidentally, that pilot's thumb. I've thought up an excellent recipe (Tint prick your thumbs' etc.) which it should suit. Could I? And could we meet again without Third — she's getting on my nerves. Any weather, Regards, Second Witch Dear Second Witch, Hi! Thumb enclosed. Suck it and see! Agree about Third. She's getting rather extravagant — fancy waiting for lunar eclipses to prune a yew! I bet she uses that on Macbeth. You mentioned killing swine — Mr First Witch is partial to bacon. Is there some available? Mr FW has the wind at present, but he'll return it next week. Cheerio!

My dear, loyal Macbeth, We will be in your neck of the woods a week on Tuesday and we intend to honour you with a visit. No need to kill us with kindness, though. A wee bit of Tayside salmon would go down nicely with some malt whisky. Let your good lady wife advise you on what's best. We enjoy a surprise.

Ma guid freen Duncan, It's awfu braw that ye're comin' up tae Glamis tae bide wi' the wife and maser. Tae tell ye God's honest truth, ah've hardly stopped 'levying since a goat back frae yon battle — blootered every night. We fairly kicked thur erses, did we no? Surprise, ye say? The wife's goat something up her sleeve but she winna tell me whit. Some home bakin', a suspect. There'll be a richt braw hielan welcome fur ye here, as Andy Stewart wad say.

(name and address, please)