YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. When we bought our house last year it was conditional upon the usual South African voetstoots disclaimer — that is, sub- ject to all defects, visible or not. True, we had seen it only on sunny days and the paintwork was suspiciously immaculate for a place that had been home to two toddlers. Only when we moved in did we find the rotten floor- boards, the leaky plumbing — need I go on? The seller, who had a huge entertainment budget, regularly used to hold open house for the neighbours, who whenever they see rue inquire after Good Old Ian and hold forth on what a splendid fellow he was. My opinion of Ian is somewhat otherwise: the Master of Wallpapering over the Cracks, the Self-Taught Electrician and so on, who, when he left, removed all the light bulbs and basin plugs, and contrived to leave only one rand's worth of electricity in the meter. I would be grateful, Mary, if you could advise Inc how to reply to these inquiries without appearing boorish or revealing that I was suckered by Good Old Ian.
0.T.T, Cape Town, South Africa
A. Next time one of your neighbours says, 'Good old Ian, he was a splendid fellow!', you can reply with enthusiasm. 'Yes, indeed. I always defend him.' Your neighbours will be forced to inquire further. 'Oh, you know,' you can shrug, 'I always say "Good on Ian for selling me a house with all those
hidden defects! All's fair in love and proper- ty selling!" Even the little meannesses with the light bulbs and the plugs — these big personalities always have their flip-sides. But it just makes me laugh when I think what he's got away with. Wouldn't it you?'
Q. We recently took a guest to dinner at a restaurant in Pimlico. He had suggested this as a place we could go. The food was not bad but the service was incompetent: getting orders wrong and standing around while we had to help ourselves to (expensive) wine and water. Insult was added to injury when the bill came: a printed line at the bottom announced that a '12.5 per cent optional ser- vice charge has been added' i.e. more than £14 had been 'optionally' added to the bill. Since my guest had recommended this restaurant I felt I couldn't make a fuss in front of him, nor was there the space to have a discreet discussion with the management to
find out how 'optional' their service charges were. I paid up without protest, thus tacitly encouraging the restaurant in its evil ways. What should I have done?
Name and address withheld
A. No doubt your guest would not have been so insensitive as to stare at the cheque or credit-card slip as you signed it. You could therefore have adjusted the figure and simply signed for L14 less, smiling broadly all the while. The waiters would have been unsure, until the moment when you walked through the door, whether you were planning to leave a supplementary figure in cash on the table. In this way you could have made your point without your guest being any the wiser.
Q. I have a number of very spoilt friends who eat out in restaurants all the time and who are coming to me for a birthday dinner. What can I serve that will tease their jaded palates, or at least be out of the ordinary?
P.D., London W11
A. Take them down a peg or two by serving corn on the cob with butter, followed by lamb kebabs, then brandy-snaps filled with whipped cream. Fail to provide napkins and announce a prize to the person who completes the dinner with the least grease on their faces and meat stuck between their teeth.
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