SUNDAY What more compassionate way to open than by allowing
Mrs Spelperson to lead us in prayer at an inclusive service for all faiths and none at Birmingham’s historic yet modern town hall? (Some of us need to pray harder than others of course, especially those who might have broken parliamentary expenses rules, but we’ll say no more about that now.) To give things an urban edge, our special music guest stars will perform hip hop hymns. As you know, Dave has always been a big fan of gangsta rap. Can’t wait to hear ‘I Vow to Thee, Emcee, My Country’!
In the conference hall: ‘Get To Know Birmingham’ with Andrew Mitchell, our very own Brummie! (It’s true. He was educated at Rugby, which is just down the road according to my map); Boris Johnson, on dismantling Heathrow, becoming the next leader of the Conservative party and other blue skies thinking; Liam Fox, on how the bond of trust has broken down between our leaders and the massed ranks (that’s Gordon and the armed forces, not Dave and the Tory grass-roots, obviously); Nations and regions: Quick speeches about N. Ireland, Scotland, Wales and all the other bits we value immensely. Now, I know what you’re thinking. This session’s a bit crowded. Trust me, it’s all under strict control. And unlike Gordon, who limits his people to seven minutes to stop them launching a leadership bid, Dave is limiting his people to seven minutes to stop them unveiling a heap of irresponsible and uncosted policies. That’s discipline for you.
On the fringe: DD on Democracy (venue and time tbc). When I rang to get more info he said: ‘I’ve gone dark. It’s black ops.’ When I asked if he could be any more specific he said he would be ‘nowhere and everywhere’. Which is impressive, if tricky to organise.
PPCs on Parade: All the best-looking Tory parliamentary candidates, and of course the brightest, discuss the big issues of the day including Jeremy Kyle and chocolate oranges.
Tamzin’s party tip: Check out Conservative Way Forward’s midnight drinks for crazy tax-cutting talk and other wackiness! Nanu nanu!! Top secret ‘Green Chips’ party with Mr Gove and Mr Shapps. Invitation only for clandestine Cameroon future-makers.
MONDAY The big Economy debate with Philip Hammond, Mr Shapps and George Osborne. Apparently Gids has come up with his best EVER argument for not promising tax cuts. Can’t wait! The NHS: Andrew Lansley explains how he will replace Labour’s topdown targets-driven system with one forcing doctors to be more accountable to patients or else.
Fringe: Chris Smith on climate change, Fiona Millar on education and Stephen Twigg on energy. Whose big tent is it now, eh Gordon! For those with more traditional tastes, Iain Duncan Smith on drink ’n’ drugs and Mike Penning on toddler obesity.
Party tip: Schmoozing with hunky Republicans at the American election reception. (Maybe a certain US senator’s bodyguard who distracted me from my duties two years ago will turn up... ) Will I be able to wangle an invite to The Spectator’s bash? Dave is supposed to be going!
TUESDAY Crime debate with our very own Sherlock Holmes. While we’re on the subject can people please stop writing in asking Mr Grieve to find stolen family heirlooms? He’s v busy. Chris Grayling, the ‘nice bloke’ of the Tory party, outlines draconian plans to crack down on benefit cheats til the pips squeak.
Fringe: John Redwood on Freedom From High Taxes. How the hell did this get through? Must ring the printers. Why Gay People Should Vote Conservative. It ought to be obvious — hello, we are the party of GQ and Harpers. A debate on Destitution, with Iain Duncan Smith, obviously.
Party tip: NUT fish and chip supper. My v first union bash. So excited!
WEDNESDAY Preparing for Government with Oliver Letwin and Francis Maude. Sheer chaos. Jed says we should have a separate debate entitled ‘Preparing for Letwin and Maude’. They finally agreed to share the number of warnings about how we are on course to lose the next election. But only after a lot of tantrums and arguing about how to combat ‘anti-complacency fatigue’. Green policies outlined by Eric Pickles and Peter Ainsworth. Not much to see here. The environment is so last conference. International debate with Mr Hague. For all the best jokes about Miliband’s Heseltine moment. Guest speaker — tbc. She still hasn’t sent us a photocopy of her passport. Can you believe it? We may have to make do with Mrs Spelperson talking us through the results of our Social Action Project — this year we are doing outreach work with the disaffected: Millar, Twigg, Smith, etc.
Our Leader’s speech. I’ve seen a draft and you’re in for a treat. Let’s just say — best when we’re Davest!
Tamzin’s Travel Tips: Please arrive by train. As usual, Dave would much prefer to travel Virgin second class than get the blasted helicopter. So those of us who actually have this wonderful opportunity should be grateful and take it.
Tamzin’s Fashion Tips: Updated Tie Guidelines available in PDF format. Basically, wear one unless you’ve got a broken neck. This is serious. We’ve got to show we’re hungry. And I don’t mean for focaccia. No more faffing around with cappuccinos and bean bags. To this end, in place of the usual Tranquillity Room, we will be providing an experimental Constructive Anger Pod for kickboxing and creative whiteboard swearing. Let’s go get ’em!
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