DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY
Phew! We’re back to just the one good-looking, charismatic David. All I can say is thank goodness for that! My mental health will be all the better for it and no doubt poor Mr Miliband’s will be, too. What a kerfuffle! He can bang on about his ‘I can’ philosophy all he likes, but when it comes right down to it he just so obviously jolly well can’t.
Still, at least the soon-to-be-disbanded ‘Kill Mil’ unit has been useful. Am off there now to change into my Kate Moss for Topshop offthe-(left)-shoulder cocktail dress, ready for swanky Policy Exchange five-year anniversary celebration tonight at the Four Seasons. Everyone who is anyone in the world of compassionate centre-right realignment will be there. Jed, Kate, Gids, lovely Mr Boles, Mr Maude — although he’s grumbling already on grounds that it looks too triumphalist to be having a party ‘at this stage in the electoral cycle’.
TUESDAY
What a night! More mods than a scene from Quadrophenia! Mr Boles stole the show by turning up with his arm in a sling having fallen off his bike on Jed’s orders (I mean, he was cycling on Jed’s orders, not falling off). You’ve got to hand it to him, this was a stroke of genius. I said I’d twisted my ankle falling off my experimental, biodegradable stilettos, but it didn’t really work.
Gids was on top form. Mr Dale (you know, that man on the internet) asked him what the next stage of the ‘Cameron project’ would be and Gids said ‘it’s called the Conservative party’. Meow! Even Mr Maude enjoyed himself, telling everyone how terrible it was in the good old bad old days.
WEDNESDAY Am throwing myself into this ‘Social Action’ business. Dave is obsessed with it, or Jed has told Dave to be obsessed with it, I’m not sure which exactly.
In any case, Jed’s definitely obsessed with it. (‘If Ashcroft can save whales, there’s no excuse for anyone.’) All MPs and candidates must find something to ‘do up’ in their constituency. It’s a bit like Ground Force only with disgruntled Tories instead of Alan Titchmarsh.
Am helping to co-ordinate efforts in my own little corner of Surrey. It’s been tricky, but after much searching we found a scout hall with a broken window, and some very badly spelled graffiti (Blair’s Britain for you). The council wasn’t too keen on letting us do it, but we’ve pulled strings and they’re letting us loose at the weekend. It’s just like Challenge Anneka!
It would have been nice to turn a crack den into a baby yoga centre (well done that candidate in north London!) but I guess you just have to work with what’s available.
Jed’s off to watch Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. It’s a big corporate social responsibility thing. He has to go and sit in a private box and drink champagne with boring billionaires so he can influence their thinking. He will spend all evening trying to persuade them to sign up for regeneration projects in the East End. It’s just 24/7 with him.
THURSDAY V productive brainstorming session to come up with more candidates for mayor. Daniel Craig, Helen Mirren and Alex Turner from Arctic Monkeys were all popular choices. I said Tony Blair. Well, he’s going to be out of a job, he doesn’t like Ken and he’s a supporter of Dave’s! Nigel took me aside and said, ‘You always have to go too far’. He’s just jealous he didn’t think of it.
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