YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am in a similar position to your corre- spondent R.T. (14 February), since I was awarded a CB which is, of course, quite hard to distinguish in conversation from CBE as so many people tend to slur the 'B' of 'CB'. How can I, without appearing vain, point out to those who make this under- standable mistake that I am a member of the superior order? `. E.D.G. Caine, Wiltshire A. You might comment, 'It's rather inter- esting, actually. CB is a different order the Bath rather than the British Empire.' This somewhat gnomic response is likely to excite enquiries and your display of mastery of an arcane field should rob your remon- strance of any degree of vanity.
Q. My wife is in the habit of closing her eyes just at the moment when I click the shutter on our camera. It means that virtually every Photograph in which she features is ren- dered ineligible for inclusion in our album. How can I cure her of this irritating habit?
C.B., Suffolk A. Punish your wife by sticking the pho- tographs in anyway. Glue on open eyes from celebrities in magazines like Hello! on top of your wife's closed eyelids. This will soon teach her to concentrate when you issue your photographic commands.
Q. Last weekend, when staying with friends, I asked them if they had a daily woman for whom I should leave a tip. They replied that they did not have a daily woman. 'So don't leave a tip.' The following night I stayed with another friend, of senior social experience to me, who admonished me, saying it is bad form to enquire whether someone has a daily woman, you leave a tip anyway. What is your view? And what do you say is the correct sum for a single man to leave? My practice has been to leave £3.
J.G.H., Norfolk A. Your friend is correct. You should leave a tip irrespective of its destination, since the sight of a crisp banknote on a dressing-table will gladden the heart of any host or host- ess, particularly if they have had to make the bed etc. themselves and can pocket the reward accordingly. The current correct tar- riff, by the way, is £5 per person per night.
Q. An ex-girlfriend recently gave me as a present a beautifully framed copy of a newspaper article I had published in the earliest days of our relationship. Much as I am touched by the gesture, I am reluctant to hang the article in my flat since to visi- tors unaware of the nostalgic reason for the framing it would look vain. My first instinct was to pass it on to my parents, but the ex- girlfriend may well visit my flat again and I would hate to hurt her feelings. A writer friend suggests hanging it in the toilet. Would this venue sufficiently counter any possible accusations of vanity? If not, what other solutions can you suggest?
H.M., London W1 A. Simply screw two brass handles to each end of the picture and you will convert the object into a tea-tray. Soon, sundry spillages and deposits will obliterate any opportunity for offensiveness caused by this ludicrous article.
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