Mystery Man

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 2329 you were given an opening couplet — 'I often think of Bruno Pim/ And wonder what became of him' — and invited to continue, providing an answer.

In Alan Crick's original poem Bruno is wildly unsuccessful — until the last stanza:

This work, twelve volumes, did not sell, Alas, particularly well And so, disgruntled, he then planned To make explosives out of sand. Rumour has it he succeeded, Reached the moon quite unimpeded.

G.M. Davis and Esdon Frost were conspicuous among those whose entries sparkled. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the Cobra Premium beer goes to W.J. Webster.

At school he won the hundred yards And very rarely lost at cards; He took the Mansfield Prize for verse With fourteen sonnets from the Erse.

Then gained a scholarship to Caius With horribly conspicuous ease.

He took up rowing, got his Blue.

Then coached the next year's winning crew.

Meanwhile he read both Maths and Law, And proved the Footlights' major draw.

A double double first ensued But then, with fellowships eschewed, He disappeared, quite overnight, And ever since, try as I might, can no longer seem to see That virtual opposite of me.

W.J. Webster

And so I was quite staggered when

I saw him on the News at Ten Heading up, aged sixty-three.

The League of Moral Decency.

His aim, he said, was to address The vices of the tabloid press, Its scandals, frequent nudity, Bad language, general crudity.

He seemed so very old and grim He couldn't be the Bruno Pim Who forty years ago in Spain.

High on drugs and cheap champagne, Seduced me on the stable floor, Then left me for a matador.

Read my story on page one

Exclusively in this week's Sun.

Jill Green He was the brightest boy in school And thought that I was a mere fool. But just today, behind St Paul's, I saw him balancing three balls Upon his head, but badly, so I asked what happened, 'Years ago My father's money all ran out And I had nothing. Zero. Nowt.

I had to earn a crust somehow, So signed on board an Arab dhow. Ten years afloat, but all I learned Was goat tastes better when it's burned. That and how to juggle a hit Is hardly a career, is it?

I had a choice, the juggling side Or TV chef. But I have pride.' William Danes-Volkov

'We'll be true friends until we die': So swore my boyhood friend and I. Together in our heedless fun, In all of life we were as one.

We went together everywhere, But then, one day, he wasn't there. Our precious secret meeting place Became a lonely, empty space.

I still have thoughts and hopes and fears That I'd reserve for Eiruno's ears.

I have good friends whose company Has been a constant joy to me: We share a joke, a drink, a meal.

But sometimes they can seem too real.

One can, long after childhood ends, Still need imaginary friends.

Keith Norman It's ages since he went away, And yet it seems like yesterday.

The last words that he said to me Were, 'I am dying for a pee.'

If he was thinking of a loo In Samarkand or Timbuctoo, There was no need to go so far: There was a toilet in the bar.

Perhaps some rest-room in Hong Kong Beguiled him with its siren song.

Or did a château in the Loire Intrigue him with its posh pissoir?

I'm glad to say the mist has cleared,

And things are not as I had feared.

A note from him today makes sense:

'Let's meet at your convenience.'

Eric Payne Do you remember how, at school, Young Pim appeared to play the fool By asking questions couched in rhyme? He did the same at supper time As he demanded HP sauce.

It was a handicap, of course: The chap could only talk in verse. As speech quirks go, it might be worse. He got a job with Hallmark cards, Who had a crushing need for bards, And later published verse he wrote In several volumes, some of note. His workplace has for ten years been A right-of-centre magazine: That's what became of Bruno Pim — Jaspistos is his pseudonym.

Anne Du Croz

No. 2332: Anagramspeak

A: 'Let's take a plane to Nepal.' B: Too much of a slog. 1 suggest Lagos.' You are invited to provide a conversation between two people in which each speech contains anagrams, as above. One of the mutual anagrams must consist of a single word. Please underline the anagram words. Maximum 120 words. Entries to 'Competition No. 2332' by 11 March.