CHARLES MOORE David Cameron was in a tight spot be
CHARLES MOORE David Cameron was in a tight spot because of the floods. He had arranged to address the Rwandan parliament, and this fitted with his wish to proclaim his welcome interest in development issues and his party's new document on the subject. He could not convincingly have told the Rwandans that the rains forced him to stay in Britain. And yet his absence has been a mistake. 'Middle England', as well as being a political concept, is a geographical reality, and this week half of it has been underwater. It was a unique moment when the leader of the opposition could have been visibly helping — getting wet, getting muddy on the ground while Gordon Brown was safely in the skies above, getting coverage. In among the sandbags, Mr Cameron could have raised whatever issues he thought fit about housing, emergency services, flood defences and so on. He could have embodied that combination of humorous patience and mild grumbling which the English like so much. True, he did visit his own inundated constituency at the weekend, but by the time the waters were at their height, he was on a plane for Africa. This allowed Mr Brown to get away with various banalities unchallenged. And it reinforced an unfortunate impression, which Mr Brown is trying to foster, that Mr Cameron is the political equivalent of a gap-year student — amiable, well-meaning, inexperienced, paid for by his parents; nice, yes, serious, no.
Floods often provide material for a sermon. I: The recent ones in the north, precursor to the present horrors, prompted the Bishop of Carlisle to suggest that they were a punishment for sin. Such an idea has plenty of scriptural authority in general, but it is hard to see it in the particular. Take this week. What iniquity is there in Tewkesbury which means it should suffer while Soho, say, stays dry? What (now that Fred West is dead) is peculiarly vicious about Gloucester? The point about the original Flood was that it reflected God's dissatisfaction with the whole of mankind, and indeed with the whole of the earth, because it was corrupt and 'filled with violence'. God drowned every human being and every animal except the family of Noah — because Noah was 'a just man' — and those birds and beasts selected by him. But if Mr Cameron had stayed behind and put his hand to the pump in Abingdon or Little Wittenham, he would have been in a strong position to make the environmental points that are the modern substitute for religion. After the Flood, God put a rainbow in the cloud to symbolise his new covenant 'with you [Noah], and with your seed after you;/ And with every living creature that is with you.' Mr Cameron could have turned this story about man's stewardship of the earth into a neat little homily appropriate to his 'Vote blue, go green' campaign.
perhaps the most human reaction to environmental disaster is contained in the new Simpsons film There, I gather, all those in Mo's bar rush off to church. At the same time, all those in church rush off to Mo's bar.
We were glad of the weather when we returned last week from a journey round eastern Europe. The temperature in our last stop, Prague, was about 100° E But Heathrow made sure that any pleasure evaporated at once. There was nowhere for our plane to dock. Then, when a distant stand was found, we were told that we could not approach it because there was no one to guide us in. When we did get off, we had to wait for two hours in baggage reclaim because a mailbag had to be collected before the rest of the luggage could be processed (why?). So there was plenty of time to observe just how shabby, crowded, outof-date and inefficient the whole place was. Prague airport, which, presumably, was until recently an ex-communist dump, is now airy and elegant and processes everyone quickly. The contrast between our main airports and Continental ones is now so extreme that we must soon lose the air pre-eminence which makes the south-east rich.
Was that really Jonathan Agnew on Radio 4 explaining how the weather had made the ball swing for the test match against India? 'They've got lovely, juicy black balls, these cricketers', I thought I heard him say.
n our return, I caught up with the obituaries of Lady Bird Johnson and Nigel Dempster. Perhaps it was the coincidence of the two deaths — the former First Lady and the social diarist — on the same page of the Daily Telegraph that reminded me of a misconception of my childhood. When I first started to listen to news from the United States in the midSixties, I formed the view that there must be a system of titles there. There was Earl Warren, who investigated the assassination of J.E Kennedy, Duke Ellington, Count Basie, Lady Bird herself. Even the man who killed Bobby Kennedy was called Sirhan Sirhan. I later discovered that the US Constitution declares: 'No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States', and felt rather disappointed. With all she had to put up with, Lady Bird Johnson certainly deserved to be ennobled.
John Major and Tony Blair were the two prime ministers who imposed the exterior enforcement of moral rules upon Parliament, and it is John Major and Tony Blair who, against the practice of most prime ministers, departed the Commons very quickly after leaving office without becoming members of the House of Lords. I suspect that this is not an accident. Nowadays, because of sleazemania, peers have to register their interests in some detail. Of course neither Sir John nor Mr Blair has anything improper to hide, but it would be irksome to them to have to reveal everything that they do. The obsession with transparency works against the public interest. Statesmen who could lend wisdom to the legislative process will not do so if it involves potential humiliation.
Ireally did think that this column's discussion of Bromo lavatory paper had run its course, but then I received the following letter from James Anderson, who is the brother of The Spectator's arts editor. I quote it in full: 'Soon after my mother married in 1946, she was determined to prove herself the model housewife, and knew that buying goods in quantity was more economical. She therefore telephoned Harrods one day and ordered twelve gross cartons of Bromo. She was unaware of the difference between a gross and a dozen, and equally unaware that a carton contained 144 boxes. She was a little surprised when the person at Harrods asked to which hotel they should been delivered, but gave her home address. The next day two delivery vans turned up, and she was too embarrassed to turn their cargo away. I enclose one of the many remaining boxes for you to use as you see fit.'
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