ISLE OF I j W.GlE 11•111 ft URN ILMISIII
URA
I'AVM %MI YOICH.N1111
COMPETITION
Not the same news
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1988 you were invited to choose a recent newspaper head- line and to write a story under it which still fits the headline but provides incongruous- ly different news.
Two of you forgot to enclose the verifica- tory cutting, and two others failed to notice that the maximum this time was 120 words, which reduced the starters by four. Tim Hopkins gets a special mention, as does D.A. Prince, whose headline 'Arsonists strike at city depot' chronicled a very odd piece of industrial action. The prizewin- ners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky is carried off by a newcomer, Patricia Utechin, who, if you like coinci- dences, lives next door in the country to a friend whom I hadn't seen for a year till he lunched with me here in London yesterday.
Fat chance for pear-shaped Emu For more than 40 years a joint working party of the Nutritional and Zoological Societies has been considering how to achieve the optimum shape and weight for all living creatures. Proceeding alphabetically, the scientists are studying the Emu at their current meeting in Parramatta, Northern Australia. The Emu pre- sents particular problems, given its awkward, almost pear-like shape (problems that will be encountered again a few years hence with the Giraffe and many years on with the Ostrich). An interim statement issued by the working party's spokesperson indicates that its members believe that a fatter Emu would be a healthier and hap- pier bird — even, perhaps, that it might thus be enabled to develop its potential for flight.
(Patricia Utechin)
British lagging near foot of trustworthiness table The Board of Trade has published its long- awaited Insulation: An International Survey (HMSO, £25). The use of asbestos being now universally banned as an insulation material, the survey deals with how this has been overcome. The French, for example, have rescued a defunct industry which used to provide straw jackets for wine bottles and now compress the straw; the Italians successfully use dried olive skins; the Germans use pulverised Berlin Wall
(though this is acknowledged as a high-cost method). Only British lagging, which uses shred- ded newspaper, is condemned as entirely unsat- isfactory. Unfortunately it was not realised that our national newspapers contain so much invec- tive that the acid corrodes the stainless steel cas- ing in a matter of weeks. (D. Shepherd) Budget stalemate threatens to wreck Kohl coalition Girls who want to recreate the fashionable Beatles look will now have to depend on bee- hives and blue pencil, writes our Fashion Editor, Vanessa Glosse. The problem arose because shares in Kasbah Cosmetics, whose eyeliner became almost legendary in the Sixties, plunged sharply as pre-Budget tensions brought to a complete standstill the trading 'arrangements' between them and Levantine Argosies, imper- illing the supply of antimony trisulphide on which they rely as the traditional basis of Kasbah Kohl, long their best-selling line. However, inter- viewed in his Penge home today, Chairman Valentine Rung said, 'They're talking about a stalemate, but let's say it's a case of Love All which is, of course, our motto.' Avoid Biro, advises Vanessa! (Alyson Nikiteas) Anti-crime chief calls for more postings overseas Home Secretary Jack Straw electrified Parlia- ment today by revealing plans for the reintro- duction of transportation. Mr Straw said, 'It will be particularly tough on the causes of crime, which have much to do with the presence of criminals in this country.' Challenged to say where the transportees would be sent in a post- colonial world, Mr Straw stated that they would be posted to all parts of the world in replace- ment of the existing diplomatic service. The diplomatic immunity of the transportees should greatly reduce their future conviction rates,' he added. He also claimed major economic benefits for the scheme, stressing that diplomats are cur- rently the only group with a higher per capita cost to the taxpayer than prisoners.
(Jonathan Sleigh) Amersham to create 'world leader' Biochemical giants Amersham International were commissioned yesterday to spearhead a multi-billion-dollar research project in 'super- cloning' — the creation of a uniquely infallible human being by cloning the 'best bits' of various originals. 'Our aim is nothing less than lasting world peace,' explained a spokesman. 'We're not talking about virtual reality here, or some politi- cal version of Deep Blue, but a real flesh-and- blood individual who could inspire and lead the population of the planet. It's simply a question of genetically isolating the determination of a Thatcher, say, the moral integrity of a Mandela, the survival instinct of a Castro and so on. The traditional democratic process of settling for the least worst candidate would thus be rendered obsolete. We know we can do it — we've already created a supermouse.' (Peter Norman) He could be a Conservative Startling research suggests that the elements making up planet Earth show definite political bias. Top boffins at Nerdsworth Polytechnic claim that hydrogen (H, to those in the know) is largely hype; the electrons of B-for-boring boron display leftish spin; and that hilarious helium (He) is a giggle a minute Tory. Nerdsworth's Professor Horace Hafnium explains: 'Helium is a real gas. Sniff one whiff and before you know it you'll be squeaking like Mickey Mouse or Dougie Hurd.' Hafnium adds: 'Mendeleev's periodic table needs a major rethink and we're not only talking lightweights here. The halogens, the rare earths, they're all A-for-attitude candi- dates. So are those cranky old Led Zeppelin and Iron Maiden elements, the heavy metals.'
(Mike Morrison)
No. 1991: Pat's poser
You are invited to incorporate the follow- ing words into a plausible narrative set in Ireland (maximum 150 words): patchouli, spatchcock, spate, epater, cowpat, simpatico, jump at, patrician, warpath, extirpated, psy- chopath, expat. Entries to 'Competition No. 1991' by 10 July.
Previous page
