Neologistic

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 2295 you were invited to incorporate ten given words that don't exist into a plausible piece of prose so that they seem to acquire a meaning.

I chose the words from a list of fanciful legal terms in Beachcomber. A.J. Collins wrote to me amusingly, At the risk of branding myself a sad person, I used your list to check my theory that it is difficult to enter a group of letters into an Internet search page without getting some response.' The result was that only four words elicited no response — dortmany, orchimandty, potgole and mii.vick —whereas toga scored 3,000 hits and reit 6,390! Michael Ferguson substituted my ten for ten key words in a Jeremy Clark low life' piece with equally amusing results. In judging I decided to disallow words used as personal or brand names (easy way out) but to accept plural forms. There were well over 200 entries, which left me not just toggo, but completely reit.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £30 each, and the bonus case of Cobra Premium beer goes to Peter Smalley.

'We will weigh presently, if you please, Mr Nolan.' 'When the fraxin is aboard. sir?'

'Aye, and the jollyboat. That will return when the dortrnany women have been put ashore.'

'Very good, sir. You there, make fast that damned swinging cludder block, before it beheads us all!' 'Has the orchimandry been caged with the swine, Mr Nolan?' 'Oh no, sir. It has been put in the chaplain's cabin, where he may feed it fruit.'

'Feed it! Christ's blood, a spiderish ape. and he coddles it, the fellow!'

It is the porgole that is to be housed with the pigs, sir.' 'Yes, in course I see that. Mr Nolan. We will give the governor 13 guns as we find the wind off the point. Make the signal from the yardson halyard.'

'Shall we fire earronades, sir, or mivvicks?'

'Neither. Mr Nolan. I will like to fire a standard larboard broadside with our long guns. You may employ the toggo lanyards on the flintlocks, since you crave innovation.' The captain went aft to the companion and briefly retired to the albacy in his quarter gallery. Presently the calls sounded, the relt was taken up, the anchor fished, and the ship swung seaward with the tide. Peter Smalley `Welcome to The Wild Side, which this week comes from the Blackminster Forest. And I have, with me Reuben Crosstrees, the hereditary yardson. What does that entail, Reuben?' 'Well, Sue, basically have to uphold the ancient right of dortmany, which gives forest dwellers the exclusive privilege of gathering dudder in the forest. My writ runs the length and breadth of the albacy, down to the seashore, where they are also granted a similar right to gather relt at low tide. They use these lone porgoles — I have one here, see? The design hasn't changed since the Conquest.'

But these days I believe you have environmental responsibilities, too?'

'Yes, the yardson has to be trained in orchimandry. You see, we have the last surviving stand of fraxins in the country, and if they're not looked after properly the mivvicks make an absolute toggo of them. You wouldn't believe it.'

Noel Petty

'No. it is not an infarction, it is just a minor fraxin, easily dispersed, too much white corpuscle cludder in the bloodstream caused by fatty foods. You might try relt instead of Stilton, for example. And take it easy on the podium tonight.'

`Well, maybe. It's Dittersdorfs Concerto for dortmany, harp and trombone.'

`Ah, the triple. Have you tried using a toggo? It's shorter and lighter than a baton and would ease pressure on the heart.'

'Yes, but as a result I tend to give false value to the porgoles in the Peasants' Dance movement, and that has excited the wrath of the purist section of the orchimandry.'

'You can buy special mivvick lenses which are sharper than varifocals, did you know? Oh, and to slow down the progress of the albacy you can take extract of yardson ginger with meals. We must redden up that pallor. Good luck tonight!'

'Thank you, doctor.'

Josh Ekroy

After the disgraceful scenes during Saturday's porgole match against St Hilda's, the following sanctions will apply for the rest of term. All sporting fixtures are cancelled. The yardson area of the playing fields is out of hounds; all tennis rackets and toggo sticks must be returned to the lockers in Old School.

Recreational classes in flower arranging and orchimank will be replaced with extra study periods. Any infringements of the uniform rules will attract double detention: I remind you that the school mivvick is worn on the left-hand side of the gymslip, and that stockings must be either beige or relt in colour. Matron will arrange daily doses of cod-liver oil and fraxin for the Junior School. Senior girls, except those preparing for confirmation or albacy, will attend the early morning dortmany service in the school chapel. Finally, sausage and eggs at breakfast will he replaced with boiled chidden School dismissed.

H. C. Elvin

As she sat, scarcely breathing in the dark, all sense of relt left her — all the fraxin of her daily existence. the unbearable cludder of the tiny house, the constant mivvick of her querulous mother, the laborious life in which a brief game of yardson toggo with her clumsy brother was her only recreation. Listening to the subtle orchimandry of the inspired conductor manipulating his willing musicians into a rising porgole of exquisite notes, she momentarily wondered at the stolid faces of the dortmany around her, before surrendering to ecstasy — a blinding albacy of light which, in one Damascene revelation, swept away every particle of negrimation from her soul.

Man, Ho!thy No. 2298: A pair of aces Beaumont inc.1 Fletcher, Gilbert and Sullivan. Marks and Spencer, Hewitt and Macmillan. . . there have been many memorable couples. You are invited to write a poem celebrating one. Maximum 16 lines. Entries to 'Competition No. 2298' by 10 July.