No. 544: The winners
Trevor Grove reports: Competitors were in- vited to compose some 'few precepts' (after Polonius) for the guidance of ambitious off- spring—as from Herbert Marcuse, Prince Philip, Wedgbenn of Mintech, Mick Jagger— or a latter-day Polonius himself. No very in- dicative trends to suggest a specifically modern approach to father-son relationships emerged from this week's entry, large and for the most part sagacious though it was. It appears that the fundamental precepts for worldly advance- ment, in spirit if not in substance, remain basically unchanged since Polonius's day. Everyone, from Mick Jagger to Marcuse, gave the impression of caring more for outward propriety than for inward principles, though there were a good few competitors who tried to combine the two in the manner of Kipling's `If—J. M. Crooks, for instance:
... If you can smile and wave with tireless vigour,
And make all State Occasions look like fun, Your PRO deserves a princely figure, And, which is more, you'll beat Brand X,
my son!
The difficulty of even conceiving of a Jagger or a Marcuse behaving like Polonius in the first place was generally recognised—few com- petitors made the attempt. Of those who did John Digby wins three guineas:
A is for Authority—first letter and word, my boy, for your own Index Expurgatorius.
Loyalty, son, is a phenomenon as infantile as the umbilical cord—and to be severed as quickly. Just as revolution is a condition of ter- restrial motion, boy, so, by logical definition, is it an inescapable condition of your terrestrial being. There are none so intellectually square, that is, as those who refuse to round on everything.
I dreamt, once, that a kind of smog had settled on the left wing of the Berkeley com- plex, preventing all lectures there. I looked up, and saw Mr Reagan overhead, breathing dragon-smoke from his hovering helicopter. Then, borne on the whine of a jet, came the sound, as I thought, of Saint George. But the people—it was November—had sent only Mr Nixon. The moral of all this, son, is that two Rights can only perpetuate a Wrong. . . .
Winner by a longish neck in the popularity polls was the Duke of Edinburgh. Four guineas to Malcolm Murray Brown:
Now, haircuts. For God's sake keep it short. You know how that damn Observer cartoonist is with your Uncle Tony.
Watch what you say to those ruddy export- ing johnnies . . . I once made a complete balls of . . . oh, yes, don't walk around with your hands in your pockets, the candid camera blighters are just waiting for the chance to crucify you. You'll find it pays to stay on the right side of the press. I always did, ex- cept Beaverbrook of course—he was different.
Sundays, well you'll just have to put up with those bigoted old idiots from the Lord's Day whatsit.
Go to the head whenever you get the chance; it's the very devil when you're caught short at the Trooping or Cenotaph or what- ever ...
Four guineas to P. K. Brown's Polonius: Aboard, Laertes! The gangway stays for thee, Yet, ere thy craft depart, these precepts hear: Be not dull-seeming, as are common chuffs, But take thy stand upon some quirk, or humour, That men may say, 'This marks the young Laertes'; Then, sith thou mayst not court the rabblement, Nor yet with vulgar underlings consort, Thou may'st o'ertop them as it were a Caesar- Imboil thee not in skimble-skamble routs: A bloody coxcomb ill becomes a god, But let thy dress and bearing mark thee ever As one apart. When idle cullions wear Their hang-dog tresses flapping to their waists, Bear thou thy poll as cropt as gallows-bird, Or if their kersey legs be strait contin'd In hose that hug their scrawny shanks like gloves, Let thy slops spread abroad as wide and free As t'gall'nt with the wind in't. Fare thee well. A father's blessing go with thee, Laertes.
And three to D. A. Nicholls with a paternal memo from Wedgbenn pere: Management selection procedures vital all ap- pointments. Avoid debates, don't act on depart- mental advice. Regional accent good for image but four-letter words remain taboo. Allegiance to Party still sound concept but money spent trying to subvert Young Fabians wasteful. Points of order try Speaker's patience but stand fast in argument, other man probably as ignor- ant as you. Ask outside consultant's advice be- fore decision-making, indefinite remit to Royal Commission even better. Carnaby Street out, ask editor Tailor and Cutter for in-gear. 8f per cent house loans excessive, money on joint- development projects doubtful investment, try pictures. Place trust in repeat place trust in computers then you can blame technologi- cal progress if things go rong rong www ong .
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