COMPETITION
Neo-Jeeves
Jaspistos
IN Competition No. 1499 you were asked for an imaginary newspaper adver- tisement for a very modern manservant with untraditional responsibilities.
Such an advertisement would, of course, contravene the Sex Discrimination Act, but imagine advertising for a servant with Jeeves-like qualities and interviewing a female applicant. Could any butleress not only mix the right hair of the dog that bit you but also suggest, in exactly the right tone of voice, that you `take care not to oscillate the bean too much'? Personally, I could never have tolerated Jeeves as an employee — far too observant and intelli- gent for comfort. If I dream of a manser- vant, it is of a runtish little chap with basic gardening and sewing abilities (there is still, to my knowledge, no mechanical button-reattacher), a talent for amusing infants, a passion for filling in forms in triplicate and the ability to change a typewriter ribbon.
. It was not a very good week, but it had its moments, such as Jeremy Carlisle's pop star advertiser, one of whose desiderata was 'checking my room at hourly intervals to see if I am breathing and doing some- thing about it if I am not'. The winners take £20 each (except for the last printed who gets £15), and the bonus bottle of Champagne Palmer Vin- tage 1979, presented by Marie-Pierre Palmer-Becret, goes to D. A. Prince.
Required for women-only household (Camden), male person to extend role-awareness and pre- vent possible gender stereotyping in two daugh- ters, Hippolyta (4) and Lysistrata (3). Commit- ment to working within feminist parameters, combating sexual polarising, essential. No other males admitted, so should be willing to under- take all domestic (cleaning, cooking) labours. Share offered in ongoing dialogue in family committee regarding co-operative ventures (e.g.
servicing bicycle, rodding drains, demonstra- tions). Must be able to develop innovative play/games on key contemporary issues (Spare Rib featured areas) and maintain well-raised consciousness in both daughters. No TV. Good bedtime story reader (ILEA-approved titles only) essential. Two rabbits kept (both female).
Suit Guardian/New Statesman reader, perhaps ex-teacher, pref. with engineering or scientific background to balance deplorable pro-domestic bias in local playgroup. Ideological soundness more important than previous experience.
(D. A. Prince)
Are you the perfect gentleman's gentleman — discreet, well-bred, a living compendium of savoir-faire for all occasions?
Then piss off. You're no good to me. I'm rich and idle and! get about a lot, but this is 1987 and I need someone around me who can handle himself, not a toffee-nosed crawler who's always saying 'I think not the brown tie, sir.'
But say you're versatile. Say you can dish out a knuckle sandwich as easily as formatting an Amstrad disc. Say you can summon a nothing- barred prozzie for me at the Ramada Inn in Tokyo with one hand while pushing out a bullshit press release with the other. Then we can talk business. You won't have to tell me which gloves to wear or what drink to order — who gives a toss? — but you will have to keep a sharp eye out for a modern business- man and his needs. I'm not one of your yuppie amateurs. I'm in the game for keeps, and if I like your style you'll be a winner too.
(Basil Ransome-Davies) Super-Yuppie's unobtrusive Yuppie with well- modulated, cultured voice required. Familiarity with micros/word-processors/link-systems, and ability to analyse stock/money/currency/ commodity market trends important. De- veloped skills in effectively implementing/ initiating leads/lags orders, stop/loss, stop/gain trigger-levels expected. Sailing/windsurfing/ swimming/skindiving expertise useful. Some dancing/tennis/squash/riding/golf/shooting/ skiing occasionally necessary. Chauffeuring Lamborghini and Bentley Turbo quickly obliga- tory. Knowledge of music (mod/class), Ro- mance languages, gaming (roulette/blackjack/ chemmy/craps), horse-racing, chess, backgam- mon will be assumed. Small-talk covering art/ cinemas/books/fashion/money/martial arts valu- able. Ideally, male, thirtyish, six feet tall, 160 pounds with original teeth and hair. Excellent health and deportment desirable. Duties will include preparing breakfast, late suppers, vita- min schedules and organising wardrobes in London, New York, Paris, Madrid and Monte on alternate weeks. Humility essential.
(Russell Lucas) Versatile man-servant who can operate and make running repairs to computer, hi-fi, dish- aerial, micro-wave, word-processor and washing machine, repair water-beds, insert acupuncture needles for squash-elbow, fly helicopter and compose love-letters capable of disarming feminist flint is sought by young gentleman residing in Albany.
(George Moore)
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