SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 82 Report by Lewis Petrie A prize

of £5 was offered for two long-felt-want-filler-devices which science has not yet invented but which the ordinary person really needs in this inodern age.

If Spectator competitors are ordinary persons the deepest, if not the longest, felt want of the age is silence—not absolute, but selec- tive. High in the list come lost-thing-locators, automatic dog- walkers, machines to remind one of the perfect answer when it is wanted, devices for o'erleaping traffic and methods of clearing crowds. Good specimens were N. Hodgson's "Celeretort . . . based on a study of electronics applied to the brain, this device gives the right stimulus at the right time" and Siarco's "Speclocator " (invis- ible paint and radar). More original were " Transispecs . . . special translating lenses which enable the wearer to comprehend instantly the purport of the most abstruse poem or most abstract painting... scarcely complete without a set of coca phones . . . which translate modern music" (Douglas Hawson); and the " Xenometer . . . for issessing a stranger's compatibility quotient" (H. A. C. Evans).

But these, like so many, were single flashes. Good doubles werp less common, but were achieved by the Rev. A. C. Morris, whose "Telidentifier. ... will give you a picture of the person who is calling you •' . cannot reveal your presence to the would-be caller. . . . Spede-a-Guest . . . conveys to the sitter a powerful impression designed to get him on the move . . . including a mild feeling of claustrophobia, a conviction that his house is on fire, an intense desire for bed...." Mrs. D. S. Walker spoke from a woman's heart when she asked for "Chostitivators for the tidying of personal effects," and the "Wear-Restorer," of which one variety "The Robosher throws out unmendable clothing. Formerly this particular Robot arm also stamped such garments B.O.' (Bung Out) but in these hard times it initials each 'R.D.' with the usual significance Return to Drawer.'" Honourable mentions of these two and also to B. A. Brett for " Typoletto . . . writes automatically the letters which are more a duty than a pleasure," and " Visitobed" for deal- ing with the guest who will not wake up.

I must plead touché to A. C Bermel's "Proliminator. This records the names of all successful entrants, and automatically disqualifies them from winning again. The amateur competitor can thus win an occasional prize."

I award a First Prize of £3 to Peter Hadley, for wit, originality and reality of want to be filled. Second Prizes of £1 each to W. Bernard Wake for the surrealist convincingness of, and genuine need for, his " Abysso Bottomless Pit ";,-and to G. J. Blundell for a nice pair of domestic inventions with the properly nauseating touch of chumminess in their titles.

FIRST PRIZE ' (PETER HADLEY) The Tipometer

A portable electronic device which measures the gratuity callyd for in varying circumstances. Easily adjusted for cal:Waling:—

1. 10 per cent, on restaurant bills.

2. Amount expected by taxi lrivers (Button A—normal ; Button B—

emergency revise). • 3. Tips to porters (based on time t4ken,.weight of luggage, distance carried, and seat secured).

4. Miscellaneous gratuities and 'donations (e.g. barbers, milkmen, museum guides, flag-sellars, carol-singers, and schoolboy nephews). NOTE : This machine does not supply racing tips (for which our " Propheteer "—Pat. Applied For—is confidently recommended).

The Menumaster

First exhibited at the Ideal Home Exhibition, 1981; Suggests possible menus to harassed housewives. The housewife punches on a card the numbers of whatever items she has in the larder

(e.g. 4= remains of joint, 29=,cold potatoes). She then inserts the card into the machine, which types out certain combinations a numbers• representing dishes suggested (e.g. 429=cottage pie, 492= rissoles). Suggestions for puddings are made in the same way (e.g. 2=stale bread, 17=black currants, 217=summer pudding).

If no suggestion is possible the machine rings a bell, and types instead the name and address of a recommended restaurant.

SECOND PRIZES (W. BERNARD WAKE)

ARE YOU ABSENT MINDED?

Do you lose umbrellas and forget to post letters? Do you tie knots in your handkerchief and then forget why ?

Leave it to MEMOPHONE

Tell your Memophone the things you want to remember, and place it in your pocket or handbag. Memophone will repeat the items in a-clearly audible voice at regular intervals or predetermined times as desired.

Larger models with loud-speaker extensions also available for home or business premises.

MEMOPHONE NEVER FORGETS ABYSSO BOTTOMLESS PITS No more dustbins—No more incinerators—No more slag heaps. No more worry over broken glass and old razorA)lades. Anything falling into an ABYSSO BOTTOMLESS PIT disappears FOR EVER.

Can now be constructed in a wide range of sizes, from the SUPER- ABYSSO for industrial use, to the OUBLIETTE MINOR or backyard model. (Fitted with child-proof guard rail and self-locking steel cover.) Estimates free. Our representative. will call on receipt of a postcard to:-- ABYSSO CONSTRUCTION CO., LTD., Bottomless Buildings, W.I..

(G. J. BLUNDELL) The " Canirun," a priceless boon to tired dog-owners, is ingeniously constructed from steel, rubber and plastics, and closely resembles a living human being. Driven by clockwork, it is guaranteed to take a dog for a circular tour of not less than a mile. Known to thousands of households and their pets as "Uncle Walkie," the machine starts off with the dog at running pace, slowing down half-way through the journey to bring its charge home at a brisk walk. A dab of aniseed on "Uncle Walkie's" left leg ensures that-the dog. never leaves the machine's side.

The "Kiddipal," originally designed as the ideal companion for an only child, has also become the bosom friend of large families. Strongly constructed on the lines of a large an4 good-humoured Middle-aged uncle, "Kiddipal " is enabled by its beautifully designed internal mechanism to join in all the activities the modern child most enjoys. It will swim, play cricket, climb trees, sand run about on all fours with a load of children on its back. " Kiddipal" may be butted in the stomach, hacked on the shins, knocked down and sat upon, all without injury to its

mechanism. • •