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COMPETITION

Homage to Bentley

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1951 you were invited to supply clerihews featuring famous people, living or dead.

I take the view that the limerick is dying, but I believe — and you confirmed my diagnosis — that the clerihew has a long time to live. Spare a thought for me this week. Distinguishing the relative value of over 400 clerihews was like awarding points for Olympic dives wearing dark glasses. Some losers may feel that they have been hard done by, but I am confident of the quality of the winning entries, which strikes me as remarkably high.

The prizewinners, printed below, take £6 per item, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt whisky goes to John Peek, a newcomer from France.

The infant Edward Gibbon Refused to put his bib on. He said, 'It is no good at all: It is bound to decline and fall.' The children of Karl Marx Got up to all sorts of larks. One day they cooked him some kippers, But in fact they were his bedroom slippers.

(John Peek) Bob Dole Is in a bit of a hole: Sure, he gets applause, But the other guy gets all the wars.

(Noel Petty) For Oedipus Res Sophocles Would take no fees; But he demanded a bonus

For Oedipus at Colonus. (Paul Griffin)

Idi Amin Made a terrible scene When it was suggested he should pander To others in Uganda. (Lawrence Rich)

Franklin Delano Roosevelt Knew very well how his floosie felt, But never in all his life Understood his wife. (S. Giffard) Cherie and Norma (So says an informer) Are rather less phoney Than their John and their Tony.

(Alastair Russell) Lady Antonia Fraser Likes to sit reading articles that praise her In the long dark evenings of winter With Harold Pinter. (Philip Skelsey) Linford Christie Was anxious to insist he Hadn't jumped the gun.

Who cares? He wouldn't have won.

(Colin Sydenham) Sweeney Todd Had a dwindling clientele. Nobody thought it odd Until, next door, a mutton Pie gave up a button. (G.S. Wright) Philip Larkin Drew his blinds to let the dark in: He always had room For gloom. (W.J. Webster) E. Clerihew Bentley Succeeded mentally, But pathetic's The word for his record in athletics.

(B. Trovato) Marie Antoinette Said with regret, Perhaps it was a mistake To offer them cake.' (Catherine Benson) 'Look here,' said Ockham, 'I didn't mean to shock 'em.

It's just that the line of least resistance tends to be nature's way.

That's all I really wanted to say.'

(Robert Hogan) Oedipus Rex Was nervous about sex.

He knew sooner or later He'd have to bed the mater. (Chris Tingley) Alan Shearer Couldn't be dearer.

What a disaster for Newcastle If he broke his metatarsal! (James Fidgen) Annigoni Was a phoney; Although, at a pinch, he Could draw like da Vinci. (David Pelham) When Sir Cliff Had swivelling hips and a quiff He was rather dishy.

Now he's rather washy-wishy.

(Rosemary Fisher)

No. 1954: Old tale, new twist Jane Eyre's 'Conclusion' begins, 'Reader, I married him.' You are invited to supply a little story (maximum 150 words) ending with these words (you may substitute 'her' for 'him'). Entries to 'Competition No. 1954' by 10.C/eV:then