MY DOME VISION
Andrew Roberts unveils the crowd-
pleasing attractions of the 'forces of conservatism'
NOW is the time for critics of the Dome to put up or shut up. The Prime Minister has called us cynics and sneerers, so it is impor- tant that we should present an alternative view of what the 'forces of conservatism' might have created at Greenwich instead. Purists will argue that the £758 million ought to have been spent on schools and hospitals, or even 'left to fructify in the pockets of the people'. They would also point out that the probable birth of Christ, circa 4 BC, makes something of a mockery of the timing anyhow. Yet if we are to assume that some kind of vast enterprise had to be undertaken to 'celebrate British achievement' in Green- wich, what alternative exhibition could have been mounted and how would we, the Dome's critics, have filled the huge site and spent this staggering sum of money? The initial necessity is for a building whose architectural majesty would make Prince Charles proud, and future genera- tions look upon our works and despair that they could not create anything so fine. With St Paul's Cathedral as its template, it would stand for centuries, rather than the mere two decades during which our notori- ous inverted Teflon wok is slated to serve. Once something classical, beautiful and vast had been erected it could be stuffed With displays and exhibits emphasising the contribution the British have made to global civilisation over the past millennium.
The political correctness which pervades the New Millennium Experience Company has ensured that no reference is made to Britain's glorious military record, which has so often saved Europe from falling under the domination of a single hege- monistic power. Yet this is possibly our greatest service to humanity. The Tyranni- cide Zone would thus chronicle the British contributions to ending the ambitions of Philip II, Louis XIV, Napoleon, the Kaiser, Adolf Hitler and Soviet commu- nism. The centrepiece would be the daily reconstruction on the Thames of the key moments of the Battle of Trafalgar, featur- ing full-scale models of the Victory, Redoubtable, Bucentaure, Temeraire and Santisima Trinidad, all staffed by actors and moving on rails beneath the water. Taking inspiration from the Imperial War Museum's 'Blitz Experience', the National Army Museum's superbly lifelike exhibits, and countless Sealed Knot battle reconstructions, it would be perfectly pos- sible to stage a convincing, even thrilling battle, which would also remind us of the historic role of the Royal Navy. The English Language Zone would glori- fy the amazing triumph of our tongue over Spanish, French, German and Chinese. A series of huge globes would illustrate how, through its adaptability and vast vocabu- lary, our language has come to be in such a commanding position, the world's lingua franca. For those wondering how the argot of a few small, windswept isles off the north-west littoral of Continental Europe should have become the language of the Internet, computers, air-traffic control and international business, there will also be the Empire and Conunonwealth Zone.
This will be dedicated to explaining, pret- ty unapologetically, the effect on the world of the explosion of the imperialist British abroad, between the landing of John Cabot on the coast of Newfoundland in June 1497 to Chris Patten leaving Hong Kong exactly half a millennium later. The excellent British Empire and Commonwealth Muse- um in Bristol has shown how this can be done without offending the sensibilities of those whose ancestors constituted rather than carried 'the White Man's Burden'. The crucial British role in the abolition of the slave trade might be emphasised here. There would be a Mother of Parliaments Zone to show how Britain has exported representative institutions and parliamen- tary democracy to parts of the world which might not otherwise have seemed suited to '1 ve been windbagged.' them. A Sports Zone would largely ignore the present, let alone the future of British sport, but would wallow in the glory of our having invented every major team sport except basketball. The New Millennium Experience Company's phobia about the past and obsession with a future that must of necessity be entirely speculative is a large part of the reason for its present difficulties.
For the Monarchy Zone, we in the Old Millennium Experience Company would rely on the genius of the Plymouth Museum out- side Boston, where actors are trained to play the part of all the major Pilgrim Fathers, expertly reproducing their speech and dress. Actors playing each of the 42 kings and queens between Edward the Confessor and King George VI would be present to give audiences to the public, speaking to them in exactly the language they would have used in real life, with translators interpreting the Old French or German. By appealing principally to the educated middle classes rather than to New Brits, people would soon come, out of a sense of self-improvement and not just for 'a fun day out with the kiddies'.
A Cookery Zone would remind us how London now has the largest number of Michelin-starred restaurants of any city except Paris, and would teach our ready- cooked-meals generation some of the glo- ries of British cuisine. People would be able to get totally zoned in the Drink Zone, espe- cially at the exhibits promoting the Scotch whisky industry. The splendid role played by Britain in promoting tobacco-smoking, bringing pleasure to millions over four cen- turies, would be honoured in the Smoking Zone. Elsewhere there would be interactive jousting, witch-ducking, virtual-reality hunt- ing, a (simulated) 18th-century Tyburn hanging, 'fire your own Ack-Ack gun', Hogarthian Gin Lane street scenes, 'Let's Go Crusading', Manumit-a-Slave areas, round- the-clock Shakespearean soliloquies, the Trenches Experience, mead-tastings, scale- models of our finest cathedrals, exhibitions of mediaeval torture implements and an amusing 'Sink the Belgrano' video game. In the Great Britons Zone our explorers and inventors, soldiers, architects, Nobel Prize-winners and empire-builders would be acknowledged. The advanced mechanisation process which makes the life-sized robot of Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address so lifelike in Disneyworld could be copied for Winston Churchill and selected prime ministers. Dead white males, so underplayed in today's Dome, would be unhesitatingly returned to their central posi- tion as the main contributors to Britain's historical greatness.
It is, of course, very unlikely that we would require anything like the sum' of £758 million to create this Old Millennium Experience, and whatever is left over could be spent on burying the electricity cables whose pylons so disfigure our countryside. We might even be able to find a use for the Dome itself, especially in view of the crisis of prison overcrowding.
Previous page
