COMPETITION

Under-

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2120 you were invited to list New Year resolutions which you have already broken, explaining, with ingenuity and transparent sophistry, why each was not kept.

My own resolution — to take more taxis — is being undermined by the weakness of my wallet rather than my will. The com- monest resolution was to read Proust (I noticed that none of you resolved to reread him) and the most ingenious sophistry was Rosemary Fisher's excuse for not catching up on the ironing: 'There might be a mouse's nest at the bottom and it would be unkind to disturb it.'

The prizewinners, printed below and allowed six out of the seven resolutions solicited, get £25 each, and the bonus bot- tle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky is Adrian Fry's.

Give 'up alcohol. Recent studies demonstrate that moderate alcoholic consumption is good for stress caused by giving it up.

Spend more quality time with family. I discover that all the other family members have resolu- tions to spend less quality time with me.

Try to get on better with neighbours. Present neighbours proved irredeemably vile, so amend- ed resolution to 'Try to get on with better neighbours,' Improve vocabulary. Bought dictionary. Why have a dog and bark yourself?

Comprehend Finnegan's Wake. Could only do this when extremely drunk, thus contradicting resolution against alcohol.

Look up old friends. Find new enemies — they're all doing much better than me.

(Adrian Fry) Become computer-literate. This proved to be a contradiction in terms.

Conquer fear offlying. Heard about Conservation of Neurosis theory, one phobia always being replaced by another; better to hate flying and still love spiders.

Read Proust. Filtered through a translation, it isn't really Proust; grated through my French, it isn't really anything.

Early to bed, early to rise. Getting up half-asleep and going to bed wide-awake produced no divi- dends in health, wealth or wisdom.

Be more assertive. Only led to people being yet more assertive back.

Lose weight. If successful, this would entail con- siderable expense on clothes: why throw good pounds after bad? (W.J. Webster) Take over housework at weekends. Abandoned: could destroy wife's self-confidence.

Spend less. And cause an economic downturn? Do weekly shopping. Not appreciated. On trial run, I was lost in thought and all my groceries were taken by the customer in front of me at the checkout.

Attend early service on Sundays. Sadly impossible: it clashes with Radio Four religious programme. Smile more. Disastrous — it sent the dog into a frenzy.

Write novel. Lost sleep worrying that superb plot — not original but from a book read in childhood.

(Michael Birt) To go out in all weathers. Terribly icy pavements. To love the Scots. Saw photograph of the Cabinet.

To think metric. Tried to make marmalade on long-standing recipe.

Not to tell my dreams. A succession of vivid and complex dreams.

Not to drink at midday. Invitation to spend evening with anti-drink campaigner.

Not to be angry when I don't win the Spectator competition. Competition won by ...guess whom? And with what?

(Paul Griffin) Clean the car. God does it well enough.

Chuck out the leggy houseplants. Am not veggie- murderer.

Pull up the bathroom lino to investigate mould. Would risk fungal disease. Clear out garage. Storing broken furniture, old carpet, rolls of electric cable and mouldering Bramleys is what garages are for these days. Drink more water. Tapolina tastes alternately of dust or bleach; posy bottled stuff expensive. Get plumber to cure back bedroom radiator noises. Need to wake son up somehow. (Anne Du Croz) Not to smoke. My mate has opened a tobac- conist's, and I want to give him a bit of custom at the start.

Get a job. The unemployed have it bad enough already without my taking any opening away from them.

Don't be so nosy. But what about accurate socio- logical observation?

Stop being such a hypochondriac. I don't want to end up as a burden on the NHS.

Drink less. But I'm a much better person when I've had a few.

To go nowhere near that horrible Dome. The kids, you know, the kids....

(Paul Hatton)

No. 2123: Complete the jigsaw

Two stray fragments of overheard conver- sation gave me the idea for this one. You are invited to tell a story beginning 'Last year I took my parrot to. .. ' and ending `. .. I never did like foreigners.' Maximum 150 words including the given ones. Entry to 'Competition No. 2123' by 10 February.