No. 1217: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked to feature five out of twelve given names as dramatis personae of a play (title supplied), with descriptions of appearance, characteristics, walk of life etc.

The twelve unusually named people I listed — and I was delighted to see that you didn't old-fashionedly envisage them as all male — were none other than Beachcomber's celebrated Red-bearded Dwarfs, who caused Mr Justice Cocklecar- rot so much judicial distress when a Mrs Renton accused a Mrs Tasker of continual- ly ringing her bell and pushing them through her front door. When it comes to surrealistic humour, one man's laughter is another man's straight face, so I gave per- sonal prejudice free rein in judging. To me it seemed, for instance, peculiarly right that both of Frums Gillygottle's parents should have been Dutch tennis champions, that Cleveland Zackhouse was a marital aids magnate and born-again Christian, Badly Oronparser a humpbacked, bumbling out- cast from the Zil Galaxy, Molonay Tubilderborst a double, save for a mole on his buttock, of Edeledel Edel, Listenis Youghaupt a Professor of Appliantology at Cleveland University (Zackhouse College), and Sophus Barkayo-Tong a drop-out from the LSE in a kaftan, waiting to hear from Faber and Faber about his sonnet sequence. Convincing too was Tony Joseph's note on Farjole Merrybody: 'the second thing you notice about him is that he is totally nondescript'.

Justice, in the Cocklecarrot spirit, awards the five competitors printed below £10 each and gravely presents the penultimate bottle of the Famous Grouse Scotch Whisky to E. 0. Parrott.

She Would If She Could If He Did FARJOLE MERRYBODY: a jolly, rubicund steam operative and amateur brain surgeon who thinks he is in love with Sophus.

CLEVELAND ZACKHOUSE: a professional missing heir, a handsome, dashing young fellow who seeks to marry Sophus on account of her for- tune.

FRUMS GILLYGOTTLE: Sophus's personal maid and confidante who wishes to run away and start up a bat circus. A mournful, ambitious girl, in love with

CHURM RINCEWIND: landlord of The Three Hap- py Hangmen, a cheerful, honest man who col- lects books on tapeworms and sado-masochism.

LADY SOPHUS BARKAYO-TONG: a centenarian belly-dancer who has just inherited from her father a prosperous food-poisoning business. (E. O. Parrott)

The Spy Who Loved Us

SOPHUS BARKAYO-TONG: young, beautiful, of Bulgarian-Chinese parentage. A spy with mixed loyalties. Suffers from an involuntary wink In the left eye.

FARJOLE MERRYBODY: a gangling young Englishman, brought up as a 'twit' by his P. 0. Wodehouse-loving father. He occupies a sen- sitive position in the Foreign Office. Wears a monocle and tells endless stories about his (non- existent) butler, Greaves.

SCORPION DE ROOFTROUSER: a French-Canadian con man, much given to exaggerated hand- kissing. About 40, rugged, with alert eyes. Prone to use of the exclamatory 'Mon Dieu!' when he is least surprised. AMANINTER AXLING: a Swedish aristocrat, tali and distinguished, who is boringly obsessed by research into ice crystals. Absentminded, mainly about where he has left his ice crystals. GUTTERGORM GUTTERGORMPTON: a sleazy' shifty-eyed, middle-aged gossip writer for the peo- ple's brains.

Daily Speed, who picks his nose as he picks La Pastorella

CLEVELAND ZACKHOUSE (Bass): a Yorkshire A landowner and bully. Corpulent, tweedy and gaitered. Has designs on FRUMS GILLYGOTTLE (Soprano): a beautiful young shepherdess on Zackhouse Farm. Sexually attractive and dressed Dresden-style but in- nocently unaware of Cleveland's lust or ti`c honest admiration of FARJOLE MERRYBODY (Tenor): a chamP1°9 shepherd in his late twenties. Handsome, beard' ed and athletic but somewhat inarticulate, he owes much to SCORPION DE ROOFTROUSER: his favourite collie bitch, a sagacious animal who does not apPea', on stage but is frequently heard barking off -- but not at EDELEDEL EDEL (Contralto): a mysteriousj middle-aged white witch, strikingly beautiful all mother to Frums (who does not know this). She hates Cleveland, who has evicted her sever', times. (John Sweetnian) The Out-Patients d CHURM RINCEWIND: proprietor of fast {pod restaurant. Has chip on shoulder. Bitter abon uncontrollable allergy to monosodium glutumate. Suffers from flatulence. Speaks in monosyllabic bursts. EDELEDEL EDEL: German ex-professiona,. yodeller. Underwent sex change operation aLte„1 cabaret act failed, and changed name from v.' Edeledel. Wears Ra-Ra skirt and leg-warolers. Has haemorrhoids and never smiles or sits dowi,I.,f v CLEVELAND ZACKHOUSE: American professor psycho-drama. Aged forty, he wears teenage fashions and looks fiftyish. Believes psYd tn'-, drama is panacea for all human conditions. S fern acute migraine attacks. an FRUMS GILLYGOTTLE: archetypal Satnot seaman. Jumped ship to obtain free hernia treat ment and spectacles. Has habit of blowing bn bles of spittle when excited.

SOPHUS BARKAYO-TONG: half Greek, - - Japanese presenter with Nippon breakfast televre sion. Speaks eleven languages, often within one sentence. Subject to violent outbursts caused b

(Joseph Cole) (V. Ernest