CITY AND SUBURBAN
Kutz a star part for Portillo, round the bend in ever-decreasing circles
CHRISTOPHER FILDES
Aone of its measures of economy, the Government is spending £75 million to attract the Olympic Games. I now under- stand that this will include a promotional video based on Chariots of Fire, and featur- ing the long-distance runner Savij Kutz. Discovered by Alan Watkins on a Tokay- tasting visit to Hungary, this athlete has become domiciled here, and in the video will be played by Michael Portillo. Never a conventionally popular figure, Kutz is famous for his waiting tactics, and is always said to be lurking ready to pounce, just round the bend. He is a bogeyman, but as so often with our athletes, Kutz tends to fall short of his own publicity. He claims to think the unthinkable but is really a big softie. In his last outing, the Public Spend- ing Open, Kutz finished £50 billion behind the starting line — a new British record, but a perfectly-controlled effort, according to his manager, 'No Regrets' Norman (to be played by Brian Clough). The video will star Virginia Bottomley as Princess Anne and Gillian Shephard as her horse. Jacques Delors has a guest spot as Baron Jean de Coubertin, explaining that what matters is not to win but to take part. In a sensational climax, Savij Kutz will be seen to leave the track, loping round and round in ever- decreasing circles — followed by his whole team, which finally vanishes up its own deficit. Darkness falls, and no more can be heard but the faint sound of blown raspber- ries. It is the moving tale of another gallant British loser.
I get up steam
MY FORMULA for British Rail is Arthur Balfour's formula for Ireland: twenty years of resolute government. So all right, it didn't work there, either. It is still a better idea than uncoupling the trains and sec- ond-guessing the signalmen. I regard John MacGregor's proposals as a series of acci- dents waiting to happen, and I am left to hope that no one will want to finance them. Certainly the City is underwhelmed. Still, if Mr MacGregor insists on selling his fran- chises in a buyer's market, I might be per- suaded to bid — with a suitable subsidy, of course. I am attracted by the Isle of Wight line. Catering (as I would be) to a holiday- makers' market, I would bring back steam traction. My dining-cars would serve fresh shrimps scooped from the water-troughs
and instantly boiled in the boiler, and I would run gleaming boat-trains for Cowes Week. One condition: my franchise would need to include the British Rail pension funds, which amount to some £8"2 billion. If the minister will agree to that, he can throw in the Ribblehead Viaduct.
Jam for lawyers but . . .
LAWYERS' children get jam for tea. Has business ever been better? The bumper fraud trials may have passed their peak how unsporting of Asil Nadir not to wait for his — but Lloyd's of London will make up for them. Mr Justice Saville pulled down the last remaining barrier to all-against-all litigation by overriding the Lloyd's rule which said: Pay now, sue later. He has now called a meeting of lawyers to cope with the consequences, fearing that there will not be enough judges to go round. Lawyers prefer- ring a better class of jampot should book their places now for Touche Ross's suit against the Bank of England. On behalf of depositors in the Bank of Cocaine and Colombia, Touche will claim that the Bank failed in its duty to supervise, and hopes to shake it down for the gold in the vaults and the fillings in the Governor's teeth. My money would be on the Bank, which, with its trusty lawyers at Freshfields, had the chance to draft the statute. When the Bank took over Johnson Matthey Bankers, which had slipped through the supervisors' net, it found that the best asset was a claim against the auditors. The auditors counter- sued the Bank, but lost both ways. Never mind — my learned friends already know who the winners are.
. . . hopes for Lloyd's
A LLOYD'S matinee at the Duke of York's theatre this week featured litigants on the Outhwaite syndicates, who were asked to chip in another £1,000 each towards their costs. Next day the show moved to the Albert Hall, and starred David Rowland, Lloyd's chairman, with his popular rendering of 'There's a Good Time Coming'. It got a mixed response. Off- stage, but in full rehearsal, is a new number from Michael Wade which deserves to be a hit. He was on Mr Rowland's reforming committee, which wanted limited compa- nies to be allowed to join Lloyd's. Now he is planning CLM (for 'corporate Lloyd's membership') with the backing of Sedg- wick, Mr Rowland's old firm. I expect that CLM will work like an investment trust which will underwrite risks at Lloyd's. Members of Lloyd's can be locked in until death, and even beyond it. Investors in CLM could take the market price and get out. Members of Lloyd's can find them- selves the captives of the big agencies. CLM's investment management would be professional but independent. Now Mr Wade must wait for Lloyd's legal draftsmen to clear the way. I do hope there are enough lawyers to go round.
How time flies
INTREPID are the birdmen of London City Airport. The £135,000-a-yard tunnel under Limehouse basin, which (as I was saying last week) took minutes off my jour- ney from Billingsgate Market to Fishmon- gers Hall, seems to have gone to their heads. On tasteful posters, they have begun to advertise their dockside strip as being 20 minutes from the West End. From Piccadil- ly Circus, for instance: you take the Pic- cadilly Line (three stops) to Holborn, then the Central Line (seven stops) to Stratford, then the North London Line (every 20 min- utes) to Silvertown and a brisk walk to the airport. Or to Embankment on the Baker- loo Line, for Charing Cross pier, hoping to catch the river bus on its 25-minute voyage to the Isle of Dogs — thence by a land bus which the birdmen lay on. Or you could blow the expense and take a taxi, which after 20 minutes on a normal weekday would be somewhere near the Monument with another six miles still ahead. Or you could wait for the Jubilee Line, though if you have not arrived by the end of the cen- tury the banks will want their money back. Or you could return to the Piccadilly Line and go to Heathrow.
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