AND ANOTHER THING
Clash of drumsticks and flying salami in Somerset's Wild West
PAUL JOHNSON
Hero or villain of the affair, which took place at Bridgwater's Babylonian arts cen- tre, is the Liberal Democrat vice-chairman of Somerset County Council, Humphrey Temperley. Temperley is an Old Etonian. Odd, you may say. Not at all: Jeremy Thor- pe, another West Country Liberal paladin, is also an OE. In many ways, Liberals down here are grander, as well as sillier, than the Tories, who resent it. Temperley is an ebul- lient fellow, an ex-rugger player, burly, you know. He had what is described as a 'con- troversial' spell as chairman of the environ- ment committee, when he set up a 'gypsy transit camp'. Residents of Middlezoy called it a disaster. The Tory councillor Sue Hickmet, who monitors Temperley's doings, claims that, as a result, he was 'side- lined' by his colleagues and 'put in charge of Somerset's relations with Europe'.
As Somerset's foreign minister, you might have thought that Temperley would have become less 'controversial'. But there is a touch of the Robin Cook about him. He believes in making moral points. He took up the cause of the Czechs. I imagine he is strongly anti-Munich, even though he was not born at the time. When the Bridg- water-Czech-Slovak Friendship Society held a convivial gathering at the arts centre, Temperley was there. This was no ordinary occasion. Not only were many Czech busi- nessmen present, but the deputy mayor of Prague too, and council officials 'accompa- nied by dancers'. I like the idea of those dancers. It conjures up mediaeval Mittel- europa perfectly. Was not good King Wenceslas a Czech? And did he not have fiddlers three? Dancers too, probably.
Unfortunately, the Czechs were not the only foreigners in the arts centre that night. While they and their hosts relaxed to the music of Smetana's Bohemian Dances, members of the Bridgwater-Homburg Link Society filed into an adjoining chamber. It is not true, as rumour later had it, that the Germans gave a demonstration of goose- stepping. Ex-Superintendent Smeed, chair- man of the society, described them as 'of senior citizen status'. But the Germans were quick off the mark all the same. Food was left 'with no clear instructions' in an adjoining room. The Germans got what the Bridgwater Mercury described as 'the posh nosh', namely salami and chicken drum- sticks, while the Czechs were left with `soggy sandwiches'.
At this point Temperley's patience snapped. He 'set off on a food foray'. Con- scious that a score of hungry Czechs and their dancers were waiting, he began 'snatch- ing trays of chicken legs and salami'. What the Mercury described as 'sauerkraut sup- porters' then launched a counter-attack: `Food flew through the air.' There were ref- erences to 'German tourists and beach tow- els', and it was at this point the alleged goose-stepping took place. According to eye- witnesses, 'a German woman in her sixties was struck in the face by an airborne tray of drumsticks'. Temperley was rugby tackled. He said, 'I have never been tackled so hard as when I tried to make my way back with the food.' Not content, according to his account, with 'seizing the entire food supply and then locking themselves into a room', the Germans or their mentors 'placed a secu- rity man at the door'. Temperley com- plained: 'I was thumped and shoved by a most unpleasant man. It appears that being beaten up in Bridgwater is perfectly normal.' It is not clear, from the accounts, whether Temperley made his way back with his cap- tured food to the starving Czechs, or whether the Germans kept the lot, drumsticks, sala- mi, flesh, wine and pine logs too.
Since then there have been apologies and accusations all round. Ms Hickmet claims that Temperley has brought `the entire sys- tem of local government into disrepute'.
`I'm starting a campaign for the Downing Street one.'
The bits about the flying trays, the injured German woman in her sixties, the rugby tack- ling, goose-stepping and beach towels have all been hotly denied. Ex-Superintendent Smeed insisted that 'no blood was spilled', that `no damage was caused' and 'the room was not left a shambles'. Mother eye-witness referred to it as 'a storm in a teacup'. Coun- cillor Smedley, secretary of the Bridgwater- Czech-Slovak Friendship Society, claimed that reporting by the Mercury was mis- chievous, that the incident was a mere 'spot of bother' and that it would have been 'better to report that the event had been a tremen- dous success'. Neither group of foreigners noticed anything was happening, or they thought it was part of the programme. There are those in Bridgwater who now hint darkly that it was 'all got up by the press'. There are calls for a privacy bill, a watchdog committee, a local Press Complaints Council, and cries of `No Murdoch here!'
Personally, I do not think the Battle of the Drumsticks brought local government /into disrepute at all. The event proved to me that it is alive and well and keeping west Somerset on its toes. Taunton cannot stage this kind of happening. It has aroused serious comment in the Frankfurter Allge- meiner Zeitung and prompted Vaclav Havel to say he intends 'to write something about it in due course'. I deplore the damage-lim- itation attempts to present Bridgwater as a genteel Cranford. It is nothing of the sort. It is indeed a place where people think nothing of hurling trays of sliced salami at elderly German ladies and where 'being beaten up' is 'perfectly normal'. My only regret is that Mr Pickwick was not present to record events for his Club, and indeed participate in them with his friends Tup- man, Snodgrass and Winkle. It was just Pickwick's kind of thing. He would have distinguished himself, with Sam Weller providing a running commentary.
If Bridgwater has any sense, it will make `Drumsticks at Dawn' (as the event is now known) an annual event or a float in its famous carnival. For a town which believes in having nightclubs running out of its ears, a food-hurling match between foreigners ought to be good business. Think what Lau- rel and Hardy would have made of the drumsticks. As somebody said this week, `There is tourist mileage in it.' Tom King, the local MP, should give it his support. But next time let's have Individual Custards. I intend to be present. Watch this space.
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