YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. We will soon have another visit from an American friend who is always welcome except for his inability to lift the lavatory seat. Cleaning up is unpleasant work. How can we draw attention to this oversight? I don't want to have to buy a little plaque reading, `If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweet and lift the seat.' Any sugges- tions for adjusting our house guest's habits will be welcomed.
Name and address withheld A. I presume the loo seat in question is wooden. If so, you can purchase a practi- cal joke product named 'Disappearing Ink' (69p a bottle from The Magic Box in Newcastle, telephone: 0191 232 5335). It is worth the nuisance of sending off for it. When Disappearing Ink is accidentally on purpose spilt onto a surface, the surface turns blue and pranksters have satisfac- tion laughing at victims wearing white shirts etc. because they know that in three minutes the stain will have disappeared Without trace. Next time your friend arrives, therefore, sprinkle some Disap- pearing Ink onto the loo seat just as you are showing him to his quarters and before he has 'been'. 'Oh, I'm so sorry!' you can scream. 'Just look at this loo. What a terrible welcome for you! Some- one's forgotten to put the seat up when he was peeing. We've treated the seat with this organic detoxicant but unfortunately it turns blue in reaction with urine.' As he stares in horror at the blue-bespattered seat you can shoo him from the loo and make a song and dance of pretending to clear off the stains, saying it takes a good scrubbing, when in fact there will be no work involved at all. Keep shouting apolo- gies for the appalling behaviour of his `pee-decessor'. The song and dance you make as you simulate scrubbing should be enough to frighten him into lifting the seat, at least for the duration of his visit to you. Q. In my day a gentleman never poached a member of staff from another gentleman. Have the rules changed? I have heard of a numer of atrocities in recent weeks, includ- ing an account of one man who took the chef of one of his friends during his let shoot season. Is the staff of friends now considered 'fair game'?
Name and address withheld A. No, this crime is still unacceptable. Don't forget it features prominently in the Ten Commandments: 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's servant.' There should, however, be no need to take punitive action since, to quote the Bible once again, `Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.'
Q. May I recommend to your readers a device which I saw ingeniously employed in a teenager's bedroom? It was a hammock that had been strung up and held in place with giant cup hooks and contained all the chaos that had been strewn over the bed- room floor.
A. Thank you for this marvellous tip.
Mary Killen
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