Q. My wife, who is French and an art historian
of repute, insists on us visiting stately homes throughout the British Isles to examine their architecture and art collections. We never know how to deal with the imperious volunteer workers, more often than not dressed up in embarrassing 'period costume', who haunt such places. They insist on explaining uninteresting facts about the house and the owners, and fret when we examine paintings closely, as if suspicious we might be casing the joint. Worst of all, they invite our daughters, aged 7 and 9, to take part in I-spy quizzes that take up all our time and usually result in tears and fights. Any ideas?
NP., by email A. Calculate how many statelies you have visited in the last year. Make the figure known to your children just before you enter the next one, You can then sweep past the volunteers, with a know-all expression on your face, chuckling graciously, 'Thank you so much, but this is our seventh visit this year.' Your children will almost certainly be too confused to 'out' you, but, should they do so, act daft and explain to the volunteers that you thought all stately homes were the same, 'rather like McDonald's'. They are unlikely to bother you further.
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