Westminster corridors
It is an old observation which has been made of Politicians that they would rather ingratiate themselves with their Masters (Mr Robin Day and the morons of the Mass Media) than with their Peers (the Electors who first sent them by vote to the Club). It is no surprise to me, therefore, to observe that Mr Reginald Prentice, the Minister for Obesity, is bemused by the terrible recent events in Newham North East.
The said Bunter-like Mr Prentice will no doubt be heartened to learn that I myself have been deposed as the sitting Member for Gayham South West (as Gower Street is affectionately known hereabouts). Having first been elected to Westminster Corridors as long ago as last week, it came as no little shock for me to discover the other night that I had been ousted by a Cabal of freelance, left-wing, sub-editors.
The ringleader of this Maoist element is a former journalist (I write this laughingly) called Mr Joe "SS" Haines-Hayward, a stormtrooper of divided loyalties and split personality. One half of him thinks he is invaluble to the Prime Minister and the other half believes he is Prime Minister (as the General Secretary of the Labour Party is now whimsically known).
This disloyal band of NUJ men met last week in a much used pornographic bookshop in Soho to determine my future. I was allowed no right of appeal and the meeting was held in camera (by kind permission of the Earl of Lichfield developments by Mr Roddy Llewellyn after exposures by Foxhunter).
The main charge, as I was later told by Mr John Egan, a voyeur and chief reporter of the Gayham Gazette (formerly chairman of the Westminster Lobby Journalists and a wellknown OBE failed), was that I am too -right wing".
Extensive research (in other words, three pints of beer later in Annie's Bar at the Club "we are pursuing Lobby inquiries", as they say) revealed that none of the members of the so-called "committee of inquiry" actually lived in or came from (if they will excuse the expression) Gayham, They were all, I learnt to my horror, Carpet Buggers (this is a printers' error) who were bent (how far will ambitious politicians stoop) on my downfall. All these "inquisitors" had found spurious reasons for running the Gayham Workers Co-operative and they came from as far away as Tottenham Court Road, Russell Square and Henrietta Street (no relation).
One of them, it was alleged by a Mr Larry Adler, a mouth organ who seems to grow larger at meal times, had actually been in jail. The offence was (understandably) unspecified, though the -one" in question is understood to have spent a lot of time researching the architecture of Euston Station --Within the Gayham consitutency, naturally) with or without Railway Police approval.
When the vote was finally taken, Miss World ( a certain Miss Titania Waugh whose hobbies
are Oberon and all the fairies) was chosen as my successor. The ballot, I am assured, was close. The Ayes to the left, two -(Messrs Haines and Hayward), the Noes to the right, three hundred and twenty seven. (Lucky Joe and Ron.) So, it seems, democracy is dead. I thought back to my early days at Gayham South West, when I had such a massive . . . er. ... majority, and almost anything seemed possible. I recalled that I had even had visions of entering Number ' Ten (Wardour Street, that is). A summons to the Palace (the Kinkerama Fun Palace, as it was known); the certainty of leading all the real Moderates (the People of the Middle Way) into the Dolphin Square Sauna.
At a stroke, all this was gone. My wife, Bubbles, was like a pricked balloon. Joyous and effervescent, "the Alka Seltza girl" she was called at school (and she has deleterious effects afterwards) now she was downcast.
And what of the future, I hear you cry. What, indeed. I shall continue as your Member (well, at any rate as Puzzle) until the end of this Parliament when I shall go before the National Executive (which has an absolute power of veto over the Gayham decision).
As the standard bearer of the right of the Ruffian Party, I shall throw myself on the mercy of the members of the Executive. Michael Foot, Tony Benn, Ian Mikardo and their associates have shown a keen interest in my future. They are sensible, middle-of-theroad. They are just. So is my cause. Right will prevail.
Tom Puzzle
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