COMPETITION

Alcoholimericks

Jaspistos

RE

12 YEAR OLD SCOTCH WHISKY

In Competition No. 1661 yop were in- vited to write limericks in which the last word of the first or last line is the name of a drink.

A very near winner, Keith Norman, hoped that I would heavily penalise anyone who rhymed 'brandy' with 'randy' or 'gin' with 'sin'. Let it be a consolation to him that I did, and, for good measure, anyone who rhymed 'whisky' and 'frisky'. Puns I never penalise, but I had to draw the line reluctantly at such esoteric ingenuity as was displayed by George Jowett:

'OK, let's begin. Eugene?' One gin.'

Patricia?'Beer, please ."Tristram?"Shandy.'

The prizewinners below get a fiver each, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky (it was bound to be a bit of a lottery) goes to Laurence Fowler.

In the States when they order a Bourbon They ask for a drink rhymed with Durban.

It's just one of those things: They've no truck with kings.

find it a trifle suburban. (Laurence Fowler) A plucky young fellow of Oban Spent the night with a tart in High Holborn, Was too tight, and too taut, Leaving him with a bad case of Cockburn. (Simon Townley) The taste of low-alcohol lager Is as dull as an Icelandic saga.

It has all the appeal Of a slice of raw seal, Or a pair of wet socks on the Aga.

(M. R. Woodhead) Are nice gels still offered Madeira?

I belong to that dim, distant era When 'Madeira, m'dear?'

Was the warning quite clear Of a cad and a lewd interferer. (Martin Fagg) Paul Foot, as he sipped at his sherry, Remarked, looking grave but not very, If I play my cards right, I may end up a knight, And be as adored as Sir Perry.'

(Roger Woddis) A Frankfurt girl partial to schnapps Said, 'I little respect have for chaps - Them under the table To drink I am able And this is the reason, perhaps.'

(Peter Norman) Jane's favourite drink is Chartreuse; One glass and her whole being purrs.

But what she loves best Is an afternoon rest With two bottles, one his and one hers.

(Vernon Gibberd) 'But for lifelong pre-breakfast poteen, This day would never have been!'

Cried the sprightly old rake, As he smirked at the cake And the telegram sent from the Queen.

(Chris Tingley)

If I drink a whole bottle of ouzo

I sing like Enrico Caruso.

If you have the audacity To doubt my capacity I'll ask you to wait while I do so.

(Carolyn Beckingham) A bottle a day of tequila Makes even an archbishop feel a Little bit odd And question if God Is merely an out-of-date spieler.

(D. A. Prince)

An oenophile feller called Mellor Had a cellar to beggar the teller, With an earthy Medoc, A heavenly Hock And a hell of a Valpolicella. (Philip Dacre) Life, when you drink Fernet Branca, Never seems to become any danker; But if you should hanker To make it your anchor, Make sure you get on with your banker.

(Paul Griffin) There's a story (it may be a fable) Of a man who lies under the table In a permanent super- Inebriate stupor.

I bet he drinks Carling Black Label.

(Basil Ransome-Davies) Said Snakelips, the teetotal boa, In the wardroom one evening to Noah, 'Though no one is stricter Than this here constrictor, I'll have just a small curagoa.' (David Heaton) A bottle of Château Lafite In a painting by Rene Magritte Would be shown on a bed With a book at the head And a WC at the feet. (Sylvia Ozanne) Old Charlie said, quaffing his stout, 'I ain't like a young lager lout; I just sits by the bar Sinking jar after jar, And I never says nowt about owt.'

(0. Smith)

A girl at a bar in Dun Laoghaire Said, 'Drink can destroy the unwary; So please make me stop When Pm over the top.'

Then she downed her fifteenth Bloody Mary.

(Peter Veale)