Gardening
A nightmare
Denis Wood
My wife said, 'If you are going out do look in at that garden centre and see if you can get some Salvia patens — the blue thing. Take Phoenix with you,' I drove into the car park and got out opposite a cluster of notices — 'Sauna Baths, Swimming Pools, Miniature Golf, Children's Play Area, Toilets.' I could not see anything about Salvia patens, but as I skirted the 'Gnome Collection' I saw men in open necked shirt with their trousered wives lovingly pushing red metal trolleys loaded with sad little plants, In black plastic bags. Then I saw a notice 'Selling Area' and passed through the turnstiles. • Loudspeakers were dispensing pop music by the firm's own group, the Pot Lot, interrupted from time to time with a string of information and advice: "You are in the largest garden centre in Europe. We do not accept responsibility for loss. Damage must be paid for. Dogs must be accompanied. Children must be kept on a lead." I saw a fat youth in a blue jacket. "Have you got Salvia patens?" I asked, " Salivas?" he said, "Over there, 8p. Find yourself a trolley," and he pointed to a bench of scarlet bedding salvias. 'No, not that kind,' I said, but he had disappeared.
I walked towards another fat blue-jacketed assistant in the distance. He came towards me and said, " You must have one of these brown plastic jardinieres, only £1.02." I realised with dismay that I had wandered into the plastic and fibreglass section full of egregiously repulsive vessels in these materials. "No thank you," I said, "I don't like these at all. I wanted some Salvia patens."
" Not like them?" said the assistant. " I will get the sales manager, Mr Shark," and he blew a whistle. In a second a heavily built „Iran with a sallow complexion and side whiskers was leaning over me. "What's this?" he said. "Haven't you bought anything yet?"
At that moment a van went down the road with a large notice on its side "Come to Thunderer's, the largest garden centre in the world." "I only wanted Salvia patens," I said to the sales manager. " I think I will try Thunderer's."
"Oh, you will, will you?" stiid the sales manager. " I shall have to report you to the chairman. He is in the toilet right now but he will see you in the sauna bath in a few minutes. Come this way. I will show you the customers' cemetery while you are waiting."
I resorted to guile and said, " On second thoughts 1 could do with two jardinieres and a gnome for Christmas presents. Let me get my cheque book from the car." I got into the car and took my cheque book from my pocket. "Why," he said, "you had it with you all the time!"
He made the mistake of putting his hand inside the car. Phoenix is a large black labrador, generally affable, but this is one of the few things which he really resents. I felt quite sorry for the manager hopping up and down outside the car and shaking his hand, and I would have offered him a handkerchief to bind it up with, but I caught sight of the chairman bearing down on me from the lavatories and decided it was time to leave. Then, of course, I woke up and my wife said she had never heard me bark so convincingly in my sleep before.
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