Tartan diary
Richard West
Bloomsbury 24 May. Tartan-clad roisterers spotted in Holborn. Recall meeting Jeffrey Bernard this time two years ago in a pub in Soho. Inquired why he had a black eye. He said that on the previous evening in that pub he had asked a Scotsman very politely if he would play his bagpipes just a tiny bit less loudly. Anti-Scotch animus growing. Debate whether Scots are worse than peoPle from Yorkshire and Lancashire. Somebody points out that most sports hooligans come from north of the Trent, the same region that voted Labour on 3 May. Two nations . . . Taxi-driver says that best behaved sports fans are French Rugby supporters, perhaps because youngsters are "ten accompanied by fathers or uncles. 25 May. At 7.45 am, hear loud shouting ifl. street outside flat. Seven tartaned men singing song th'at appears to go: 'We like whusky, we like wine. We were f—it in the Argentine —a reference to their team's Misfortune in last year's World Cup. Recall stoiy— of friend Bill O'Driscoll in army in Glasgow in second world war. Approached in.bus shelter by old lady who says: 'Soldier. Gie me a shulling and I'll tell ye a story'. Driscoll gives her a shilling. Story consists of s,.,even words: 'I was f--it by Robert Louis Ntevenson,• At 8 am, switch on radio news and hear that man has been stabbed to death on London-bound Scottish football train. Recall time about twenty years ago When was editing letters to Daily Mirror. he Scottish infantry in north Germany had quarrelled with locals who in turn called them 'poison dwarves'. Hugh correspondence from Mirror readers, overwhelm'ugly favourable to Germans against poison dwarves. Recall sack of Barcelona by Rangers supporters. Worst day in Spanish history since civil war. At 12.30, go to Duke of York in Roger Street, the Spectator pub. Guinness drinker remarks: 'I saw two coach-loads of Scots pull up at the Pakenham Arms. Imagine what state that place will be in at 3 o'clock. If anyone's left alive'. Another customer says: 'I found eight of them in the garage this morning. They 'd gone there to be cosy. Imagine sleeping out rough'. Another customer says: 'How do you think they sleep in Scotland?'. Aware of growing Caledophobia. Go home and read dictionary of quotations for some of Dr Johnson's anti-Scottish remarks: BOSWELL: I do indeed come from Scotland but I cannot help it.
JOHNSON: That, Sir, I find, is what a very great many of your countrymen cannot help. (16 May 1763) Laugh out loud at Johnson's wit. Then remember that the Spectator's proprietor, editor, and half the staff are Scots. Wipe smile off face.
26 May. Purchase beef at local butcher. Remark that it is Scotch beef. Butcher says 'Don't worry, this comes from Aberdeen. All those people come from Glasgow.' In late afternoon have lunch with friend from Zimbabwe. She horrified by violence of London on first visit for five years. Says treatment of old ladies leaving Chelsea Flower Show worse than police breaking up riot at Harare township. Says terrified of Scots on tube train. I explain relationship of Scots to ZANLA and ZIPRA. While eating Thai meal in Soho we are befriended by two Scots supporters who have failed to get into match at Wembley: 'We went up to the man at the gate and handed him two tickets for a Rangers-Hibs match, with a fiver slipped underneath it. I thought they'd let us in but there's this big darkie who comes up and says what's going oon, Honky?' They turned out to be men from the Gas Board, and very pleasant, although they at first object to my friend being Rhodesian. 'When we come fra, we like the darkies'. We explain that we also are well disposed to darkies. Remember that Scotland yoted Labour in last election. Ask them why Celtic and Rangers football teams no longer have such spectacular fights in Glasgow on sectarian grounds. Celtic are Catholic. Rangers are Protestant. Older Glasgwegian turns out to be Protestant, Rangers supporter. Sings beginning of 'Sash my father wore . . . 'Told to shut up by Thai waitress. Other Glaswegian is Catholic and Celtic supporter. Says Papes and Prods hate each other during match. 'And if ye see a Prod on the ground after the match, ye canna resist putting the buit into him'. Still some time before pubs open. Scots suggest going and 'doing over' a sex shop. Heartily support his idea and direct them to Soho shop run by Mafia. It is shut, like all sex shops. Wander round till pub opening time. Almost all pubs shut. Find that Coach and Horses in Greek Street is open. Famous for Private Eye lunches. Run by Norman Ballon, who prides himself as London's rudest landlord. Also known as Norm the Arab. Coach and Horses doors are locked. Customers only admitted by Norman having proved that they are not Scotch football fans. Persuade two Glaswegian friends to take off tartan scarves and keep silent on entering pub. Zimbabwe lady and I talk our way in. Norman Ballon hears accents of our Glasgwegian friends. Walks out and paces up and down pavement. More depressed than at any time since unsuccessful outcome of Yom Kippur war. Rhodesian lady and I leave. N. Ballon says: `Mr West, that was not nice of you'. Threatens to have Glasgwegian evicted. Warn him of Race Relations Act.
27 May. Read that 450 Scots have been arrested for drunkenness, pick-pocketing, lifting kilts to shock women etc . . . Our local greengrocer says that they are all sobering up. 'Pepsi-Cola by the pint. I've never seen anything like it'. Two tartaned men in The Lamb in Lambs Conduit Street are now very quiet. Everyone kind to them because their side lost the match . . . Not only welcome but bought drinks. Decide I quite like the Scots after all.
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