No. 549: The winners
Trevor Grove reports: An apposite quote from Belloc's famous weepie, 'Lord Lundy,' indi- cated to readers that the Dear Old Butler who figures in that poem was a figure of unbreach-
able taciturnity—The Dear Old Butler thought —but there! /I really neither know nor care ...' etc. Hard on the news that the Scientologists were contemplating putting in a bid for Lundy, competitors were invited to suggest what the Dear Old Butler, were he for once allowed his tongue, might have thought of this delicate matter. Not very much seems to be the general opinion: butlers, one can only assume, are for buttling and the occasional spot of keyhole work, but otherwise they ought 'To know their place and not to play/The Old Retainer night and day.' Even the Dear Old Butler tended to agree with the propriety of this. Only a few daring souls attempted to upset the natural order of things by crediting the DOB with some stout opinions of his own; Lieut-Colonel Wat- son, for instance :
The Dear Old Butler thought with glee Of Life with Scientology.
He thought of pickings rich, and perks; Of giving wealthy Yanks the works ... He thought of luscious Central Heat, Of nine-inch fillet steaks to eat; More baths; swift lifts to every floor, And nubile serving-maids galore . . Alas. Amid the Lundy mists, The Wicked Scientologists Soon washed the Dear Old Butler's brain. He never had a thought again.
Otherwise this ancient's venerable views ten- ded to run along highly predictable lines. Four guineas to Nancy Perry : The Butler thought, as well he might, How dreadful would be Lundy's plight, Were Scientologists allowed Its Meagre Acreage to crowd. Would not this strange, newfangled Sect The Old Inhabitants eject? (And, though they number very Few, Minorities deserve their due.) The Direst Problems could result From Rites indulged in by the Cult.
Though normally a Strict Abstainer, So dismal felt the Old Retainer That he imprudently Knocked Back His master's Port—and got the Sack.
Four guineas to Martin Fagg : The cult of scientology Is, from its name, quite obviously An import from the USA; And though, of course, one cannot say That what comes from America Is, ipso facto, under par, I must admit I'm far from frantic
On any sects of transatlantic
Provenance—they tend to be So pitifully crude, you see.
(Besides, this movement's founder, viz.
One 'Lafayette Ron Hubbard' is A name that I have never met Within the covers of Debrett.)'
Honourable mention to Charles Lyall, W. A. Payne and Hilary Temple; and a final four guineas to J. M. Crooks:
When Lundy heard his noble name Might grace an island of ill-fame, The Dear Old Butler soothed his grief, Observing, 'Take my handkerchief. The Scientologists, you'll find, Declare, "No Matter -always Mind." And by observance of these laws Eliminate such little flaws As rape or murder—in that sect His Lordship might not be so wet.'
Lord Lundy joined—and promptly told The Butler, 'You're too dear and old. So here's the Boot, I think it's called.' Then Gracious! how the Butler bawled!
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