COMPETITION

Ruthless rhyme

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2151 you were invited to provide a 'ruthless rhyme' which recounts the death by misadventure of an incompetent professional on the job.

A 'pro' dying 'on the job'? One of you warned me that I was looking for trouble, but, strangely, nobody took crude advan- tage of my unintentional double enten- dre. The following are awarded a half- holiday for excellent efforts: Bullard, Sydenham, McDonald, Griffin, Syrett, Ransome-Davies. The prizewinners, printed below, receive £22 each, and the bottle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky (not to be drunk in the school grounds) goes to Ray Kelley. Beneath the sod lies Bruno Spurgeon, In life a sourpuss dental surgeon Who plied his forceps and his drill With glum remarks and lack of skill. One day a patient, driven insane By dulltalk coupled with sharp pain,

an

Sprg cursing from the lie-back chair And slew his torturer then and there.

Bruno's at rest, and nevermore Will look down in the mouth and bore His clients — who wryly ponder how He fills a pain-free cavity now.

(Ray Kelley) Our gardener, Jim, robust and blithe, Arrived with shears, hedgecutter, scythe, All set to trim our grass and hedges. Jim kept his tools with well-honed edges.

He propped his scythe up by our shed, Climbed, slipped and, sadly, lost his head.

Poor Jim was quite decapitated,

And three days later was cremated.

But though for him I'm still repining, The cloud does have a silver lining: His hedgecutter will come in handy

To trim our newly sown Leylandii. (Geoffrey Riley) The offer made by Key and Clive Was that they'd smartly tar your drive; Before too long this specious pitch Had made the dodgy duo rich.

Their clients, though, had drives like treacle Which couldn't bear the lightest vehicle.

But then with justice — or just luck - The two were standing by a truck Which tipped its load: the tarmac had 'em, From top to toe it wholly clad 'em, And laid 'em out as long low bumps, Used, to this day, as traffic humps.

(W.J. Webster) `Out of Order!' said the notice On the lift (a Waygood-Otis); Though placed there by the engineer, He, eager for his lunchtime beer, Forgetfully stepped through the gate To his inexorable fate; And as he hurtled down the shaft, Oh, how we office workers laughed!

(But sadly, now until repairs Are done, we'll have to use the stairs.) (Ron Rubin) 'This virtual reality Is not the thing,' said Ralph, 'for me; Real drama teachers scorn the page - My kids act Shakespeare on the stage.'

Quite unaware of classroom feuds And normal teenage attitudes, Ralph cast and armed two ancient foes, Who soon indulged in savage blows.

Although the fight was splendid stuff, Macbeth was vanquishing Macduff; Ralph intervened to turn the tide, Was struck by both and really died.

(Alanna Blake)

To Geoff, celebrity-famed chef, Overcooked food was feared like death; With meats a paint, and veg al dente, He catered for the cognoscenti.

When Mr Smith ordered young lamb 'Grilled black', then Geoffrey's senses swam. Both grill and chef roared hot; thus fired, The incandescent chef expired.

While kitchen staff put out the blaze Diners ate on in a happy haze. Said Mr Smith, 'It's next to none! My compliments to chef. Well done!'

(D.A. Prince) At Clixby High, poor Bradley Spinks, While struggling to control year nine And teach them chemistry, or 'stinks', Fell victim to a fate malign.

A lighted Bunsen at his side Had set his Oxbridge gown ablaze. The flames engulfed him and he died Before his pupils' awestruck gaze.

Though death deprived him of his pension, He'd won at last their full attention.

(Keith Norman)