The Midas Touch

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 430: Report by Blossom

Given an example, competitors were required to produce a golden rule for each of the following occasions: a proposal of marriage, a driving. test, a maiden speech in Parliament, a trip to Russia and a skiffie contest.

LIKE most other forms of examination I have always thought that these competitions are much easier to set than they are to do; I was right. The situations that I selected were diverse by intent; after all, it is a part of the game that com- petitors should not only be competent in presen- tation but they should also be sufficiently versatile to handle the quick change of mood that is occasionally required. I justify this comment after looking through the prizewinning poetry and prose that has appeared in these columns over the past two or three years. 1 know that you have chameleon capacities. You will have to take my word that I had no intention of including a deliberate stumbling-block but, on reflection, I think that I could have substituted something a little less difficult for the trip to Russia. At the other end of the scale I expected something better from the skiffie contest, or perhaps it was that you were overwhelmed by the enormity of either the occasion or my own nerve; I wonder if these events are really as bad as you make out.

All the other headings were handled with the competent cynicism that I have, almost as a matter of habit, come to expect from you all. In spite of all this you will see for yourselves that I must have had a grand time reading your entries, and especially I enjoyed those that I quote below. Every asterisk has earned half a guinea and the rest are the nearest runners-up. Thank you.

PROPOSAL OF. MARRIAGE

If it seems too silly to be said, it's even sillier to write it. (ALLAN M. LAING.) * Should come from a man—and a woman should always make it look that way. (P. W. R. Pour.) No ifs—you can't afford it. (DAVID DRUMMOND.) * It should be cool and tardy in conception but heated and brief in delivery. (R. L. SADLER.) * Study the menu carefully before ordering the full meal. (GRANVILLE CARLEY.)

A DRIVING TEST Much of the talent was exhausted under this single heading. Any amount of pound notes and wallets were revealed, but that is no reason for not commending some of the other ideas to the Minister of Transport.

Don't try to waive formalities—concentrate on the other signals. (P. M.) ** Run over anything that bothers you before the test begins. (MRS. V. R. ORMEROD.) Keep the car on one side of the road but the road on both sides of the car. (s. T. GARRISH.) * He doesn't know you can't drive till you prove it. (J. A. LINDON.)

The important thing is to pass on the right side of the examiner. (w. K. mums.) Never remind the examiner that you were driving cars when he was in his cradle.

(HELEN MACGREGOR.)

If you pass, don't push your luck too far—walk home. (DENIS W. AMOS.) A MAIDEN SPEECH IN PARLIAMENT If I had shared the whole of the prize money among the 'Stand up, speak up, shut up' school they would have earned about a shilling apiece. And for those that misquoted another old favourite, may I take the liberty of giving the cor- rect version : 'If you don't strike oil in the first five minutes—stop boring.' However . . * You will not make it immortal by making it ever- lasting. (BARBARA SMOKER.) Speak as if you thought the. House highly intel- ligent but not as if you thought yourself clever. (W. K. HOLMES.) Not too long, not too short, just trite.

* * (M. WAUDE GRAY.) You have cleared your fences honourably and gracefully if you can sit down afterwards without making either side feel sore. (ROGER TILL.) -

A TRIP TO RUSSIA

This is the one to which I have already referred. Simple platitudes, cracks about return tickets and full Marx did not qualify. Remembering all this, I still quote the best!

• Russia isn't just Colwyn Bay with peasants. (GRANVILLE GARLEY.) Don't throw the spanner in the works just because you cannot lift the iron curtain with it. (LdoN M. SHIRLAW.) A SKIFFLE CONTEST

If it sounds right it's wrong. (MRS. v. R. ORMEROD.)

* If it will make a noise, hit it. (DOUGLAS HAWSON.)

• Remember—skiffle is a visual art with musical accompaniment. (JOHN WINLO.)