No. 1239: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked to supply an imaginary government adver- tisement bravely attempting to attract recruits to an unappealing job.
Having once worked as hospital porter (mortuary duties included) for a year, I felt unusually competent to judge this competi- tion. Your governments, far more im- aginative than the present one, appealed for teapersons for steeplejacks, an Umbrella Liaison Officer at the Ministry of Defence, a Media Assistant to the Reverse Reverse Discrimination Board, and a Deputy Assis- tant Garbage Disposal Officer at the Ministry of Arts to deal with unsolicited or unwanted cultural objects. Candidates were invited to join the Effluent Society, offered the chance to be a real Pied Piper — or even a real Hercules in the Royal stables. Toughest assignment of all was the post of Strike Legality Adviser and Picket Consul- tant with the duty of explaining the new Employment Act to illegal picket lines. In choosing the winners, who get £10 each, I have allowed the fantastic as well as the almost possible. Special commenda- tions go to Simon Marquis, P. W. R. Foot, Mark Gilbert and Richard Parlour.
Internal Communications Assistant, H.M. In- spectorate of Taxes, Medici House, Bootle
A bright, alert, able school-leaver (one CSE) is required in the Bootle Regional Headquarters of the Inland Revenue to assist with the smooth operation of the internal communications system. Duties comprise the efficient running of the recently-installed modern office Lift, with its well-lighted and airy lift-cage, capacity 1000 lb (six persons), with easy-to-operate control panel and attractive decor, which interconnects the basement (canteen) area with ground (PAYE), first and second (VAT) and third floor (coding) departments. The post promises both mobility and in- dependence, with scope for interesting face-to- face social involvement relating to all grades from secretarial and supervisory to executive staff. There are opportunities to exercise mechanical skills calling for a degree of preci- sion, offering responsibility and job-satisfaction. You will be part of a successful, well-motivated team as an operative (Grade Ill). Attractive uniform provided. (Ron Jowker) Dedicated, public-spirited person (ex-athlete or possibly redundant naval) of highest hygienic ideals and scientific awareness, yet with a full Franciscan compassion for 'Brother Body', able to face human vagaries with Macmillan-style im- perturbability, work on own initiative and rise to occasion in emergency, is sought to take sole charge of newly reconstructed de luxe, deep- shelter-type, fourteen-booth comfort station (porcelain to highest standard, Armitage guaranteed-pressure flushes). Own private staff section: piped music, toaster, BUPA, luncheon vouchers. (George Moor) Do you value personal freedom and love animals? Then you could be the right person to help us consolidate the liberation of our sovereign territory in the South Atlantic. Follow- ing the disruption of the sheep industry caused by an aggressive dictator, H.M. Government is to appoint an Official Falkland Islands Shepherd.
No previous experience is necessary as you will receive intensive training in whistling, yomping, dipping, shearing and first-aid which will equip you to handle this challenging and satisfying work. You will also be issued with a supply of specially trained hybrid sniffer/sheep dogs.
Although this is a civilian post, you will work alongside military heroes and wear a government . issue anorak indistinguishable from those worn by servicemen.
Rent-free highly mobile accommodation and pegs are provided together with dependable battle-tested cooking facilities.
Fringe benefits include three weeks' paid leave in Britain every two years (weather permitting).
(V. Ernest Cox) Owing to the premature death of the previous in- cumbent a vacancy has arisen for a wardress at the Toxteth Progressive Prison for violent female offenders.
The successful applicant will work as a team leader and will live on equal terms with the in- mates, sharing sleeping accommodation and prison duties to foster an atmosphere of concern and involvement. She will take groups of twenty women on rehabilitation visits to local shops, banks and public houses to test the success of our reform programme, and will at all times be responsible for their behaviour. - An important aspect of the job will be the monthly progress report which is delivered in person to the local Monday Club.
The salary is more generous than it appears when the free uniform and accommodation are taken into account. A pension scheme is inap- propriate but good dependants' benefits are paid. (Sheelagh Panton)
Marital Invigilation Officer to the Prime Minister DUTIES: The postholder will be directly answerable to the Prime Minister for the maintenance of an acceptable level of con- sciousness, or at least the semblance of such, in Mr Thatcher during the Annual Conservative Party Conference. He or she will attend Mr Thatcher continuously in the rostrum situation, employing particular vigilance during television coverage.
ESSENTIAL: Proven capacity to remain awake in soporific conditions and to retain a sober facial expression under pressure. A high stan- dard of physical fitness in the lower limbs: the postholder must be able to deliver a forceful kick without visibly moving the upper part of his or her body. Ability to differentiate between a state of repose and one of incipient somnolence, and initiative in promptly terminating the latter. Any failure in this duty will involve immediate
Previous page
