High life
Fathers and daughters
Talc'
New York 0 [der readers may recall when Harry Truman, as president of the United States, threatened to punch a music critic in the eye for having savaged his daughter Mar- garet's singing. I remember I found Harry's anger touching at the time; after all, that's what fathers are there for.
That was 50 years ago, long before the age of Clinton, and long before the oval office had been turned into Madame Claude's by the most dishonest, dishon- ourable, deceitful and disgraceful man ever to occupy it. (But I'm getting carried away. It happens to me every time the name of the First Scumbag comes up.) Compare Truman's fatherly (as well as manly) reac- tion to that of a one-time big Clinton fundraiser and supporter, Dr Bernard Lewinsky, father of Monica whose name has now become a verb.
Bernard Lewinsky is threatening to sue NBC because in one of the network's dra- mas a character used his surname as a term for oral sex. 'I deserve an apology and so does Monica,' blares Lewinsky, 'otherwise I'll sue their pants off.' All I can say is, whenever the name Lewinsky comes up, pants do tend to come off. It also bothers me that I'm not getting any credit. It was the poor little Greek boy who first used the term, and on these here pages. (Maybe I should sue NBC.) Father and daughter Lewinsky are a pathetic bunch. Paternal gallantry is a virtue, but not for publicity hounds like this ludicrous duo. Monica went on a publicity tour which advertised the numerous Lewin- skys she gave the War Hero. Bernie boy is playing Orlando Furioso but when he had the opportunity to counsel his portly pepper-pot to keep quiet, he told her to go for it. He also gave long interviews on tele- vision and seemed to revel in his role as Monica's daddy. Some daughter, some dad.
The trouble is he can't have it both ways. Both Lewinskys — I am referring to the family, not the act — sought out the media for their own gain, and now he's crying wolf. The father of the year should look on the bright side. The eponymous word Lewinsky has now acquired linguistic fame, alongside such historical figures as the Marquis de Sade and Thomas Crapper. (All poor Crapper did was to design a sani- tary loo, and look what happened to him.) Which brings me to Tony Blair. And Jack Straw. And Robin Cook. One day their names will also acquire linguistic fame, such as Lewinsky's. To Blair will mean to use smoke and mirrors, to spin, to use low blows, to lie with a big smile, to hit at easy targets, to pretend to be doing things for the good of the country when one is doing things only for one's own good, to fool all the people all of the time. All that will be called to Blair. To Straw will be to have double standards, to be intellectually dishonest, and to be a person of low cunning. To Cook will be all of the When we gave this old pub a makeover, we forgot to do the customers.' above, but it will also mean a person is a bungler, a fool, a Being There type of buf- foon who gets away with it because he or she Blairs and Straws their way out of trouble.
Mark my words, Blair, Straw and Cook will one day be famous verbs, far more famous than Lewinsky, and certainly not half the fun. Just as Pinochet will one day stand for prosperity, peace and law and order, and Jiang Zemin will stand for oppression and Western weakness. I watched Blair, Straw and Cook the people with the Chinaman last week, and they even got the poor Queen to play along. She had, after all, lotsa practice when Margaret Jay's daddy was running the country into the ground and had Ceausescu to dinner.
Poor old England. Poor old English peo- ple, On one side they're being Blaired to death by the grinning hyena in No. 10. On the other they have small-time Straws and Cooks like Heseltine and Patten trying to squeeze them into becoming vassals of Euro-bureaucrooks. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. At least on this side of the pond we get to laugh a bit. No one is trying to enforce unelected bureaucrooks on us, except for Hillary. Now there's yet another word that will soon be a verb. To Hillary will mean to gain power by stealth, to cheat, to lie, to . Oh, what's the use, it will mean to Blair, to Straw, to Cook and so on.
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