COMPETITION

Vicarspeak

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2108 you were asked for an extract from Tony Blair's address to the nation in his fourth term of office, assuming that his `pulpiteering' style has intensified with age.

`Don't ask them to be funny about poli- tics,' advised Charles Seaton, my predeces- sor, when he handed over the baton for me to conduct this weekly schenando piece. `They're amusing about love or booze, but they tend to lose their sense of humour over politics.' To judge by this comp, with its small and slightly disappointing entry, he was right.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to Gordon Gwilliams, and I'-ve just room for Michael Birt's cut- ting last paragraph:

As Quota Day approaches, every parent will be lovingly earning the euros to pay for those little extras that help in the kiddies' education — books, desks, chalk, loo paper and caretakers. Don't forget, Cherie and I had to do the same for three until our eldest was old enough to join the Cabinet.

After the terrible riots last week it would be easy to condemn the men of violence and those who encourage them. But sometimes the more we condemn people the worse they become.

Most of us will remember Nelson Mandela. He overcame the evil in the hearts of his opponents by understanding their culture and their fears. We must all try to do the same here in this country, however hard that may be. I think the time has come to try to understand the strange fears and hatreds of the Conservatives and their supporters on the streets. They know not what they do.

In this, my final term of office, I intend to dedicate myself to reconciliation in Britain. 1 will do whatever I can to bring back into the fold those who find it so difficult to live with the modern world.

Goodnight. Take care. (Gordon Gwilliams) As you all know, we've worked for over a decade

to gm things right. Not almost right. Right. Not just better than ever, but perfect. There were those who said we couldn't do it. That it was a fantasy. That it went against common sense. But You only have to look at our record to see that we have banished conflict, misunderstanding and error. Look at Ireland, now benefiting from a United Nations peacekeeping force. Look at Europe, where we field at least one team every season in the Murdoch Champions' League. Look at crime, now being fought so successfully that we have had to build 50 new prisons. Look at the Internet, where millions of English words circulate every second. But I'm not going to stand here and boast. Your gratitude for what I have accomplished is all I want.

(G.M. Davis)

'Let the floods clap their hands: let the hills be joyful together' (Psalms, 98, 8). I've chosen this text as studio backdrop because I feel — in all humility — that it captures, really rather well, the Mature triumph of New Labour. You know, it's been a slog to win the Promised Land. First we vanquished the forces of conservatism — real Philistines, huh? Don't worry, though; Mercy's my middle name. Poor old William keeps his clerical post at Dome Regeneration. But there were oth-

ers, too. Moabites, Midianites, Amalekites remember them? Well, we've struck the hosts of Brownism, Strawism and — most recently — dan- gerous, backsliding Carnpbellism. Frankly, it's been, for me, a solitary, sometimes sleepless task; to quote the prophet Isaiah, I've trodden the winepress alone. But now New Labour does fill the rivers and hills, and the towns and cities too, with gladness. And you want to know something? They're gonna stay filled.

(Chris Tingley) Some accuse New Labour of being all vision and no substance. I say this: vision is the very sub- stance which binds substance together in a coher- ent vision. And our vision is of a New Britain, one of communities and institutions rolling up their sleeves and working together. In this cosmopoli- tan Britain, everyone will be the same, for isn't difference the garden where prejudice grows? Above all, ours will be a Britain of tomorrow, a Britain where children from all four corners of the globe will link hands over the Internet in the privacy of their own homes, regardless of creed or colour. But time alone won't turn today into tomorrow. Our every act is a brick in the founda- tions of the Britain we're building. We won't live to see the completion of our work, but some day generations yet unborn will walk above those foundations, proud to be ignorant of struggle.

(Adrian Fry) I just want to say in all humility that I'm proud you have chosen me as Head of State. Proud yet humble. All my life I've felt the hand of God upon me, often both hands, showing me the way, His way. I always said the Third Way would be hard. I knew it would not be easy. God's way never is. I said we must tread the paths of righ- teousness and conquer evil. And now these things have come to pass. If we lift up our eyes we can see a clear road ahead, the road leading us on to our New Land. What is this land? I will tell you. It is the land of our forefathers made fit for our children's children. And truly I say to you, it is a Land of Hope — and, yes, a Land of Glory.

(David Heaton)

No. 2111: Innocent slang

A 'nutter' can mean one who gathers nuts as well as a lunatic. You are invited to sup- ply a piece of prose (maximum 150 words) in which at least ten slang words are used in an innocent sense, with comic or mis- leading effect. Entries to 'Competition No. 2111' by 11 November.