YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. Most of my cousins have taken early retirement. This is inconvenient for their wives as they get in the way of the hoovering. So, several of them have been persuaded to take up genealogical research with the result that they spend much of their time in county record offices. However, they all know that I have inherited a collection of family archives which seem to be largely about the harvest- ing and marketing of beans in early 19th-cen- tury Norfolk. Consequently, my cousins keep writing to me with obscure questions about family history. I don't want to offend any of them as we meet at funerals and one of them was recently made a Commander of the British Empire. However, I know quite well that if I answer their letters they will have fol- low-up queries on subjects such as the intri- cacies of the Methwold Enclosure of 1782. I don't have time to deal with this nonsense. Please advise.
H.N., Aylesbury, Bucks
A. You can have your cake and eat it by lodging your family archives at the appro- priate county record office in Norfolk but retaining ownership of them so that you can still remove or sell them at any time. Using this method you will spare yourself the effort of processing your cousins' queries since the official archivist will be receiving a salary for performing the func- tion for you. Q. I am a live-in help for a distinguished retired academic couple. I find my posi- tion stimulating but have a small problem on which I hope you can advise me. How should I reply when the wife declares loudly, 'My husband's pathetic. Pay no attention'?
Name and address withheld
A. You should unnerve the wife by reply- ing, with a dreamy look in your eye, 'Real- ly? My boyfriend's wonderful.'
Q. I have got myself into a pickle over planned New Year celebrations. I have invited a group of London friends to spend a week in the country and, given the impor- tance of the event, have chosen my guest list carefully. One night, however, after sev- eral glasses of wine, I blurted out an invita- tion to an acquaintance who is good-heart- ed but a tremendous bore. Now he can talk
of little else. I want to withdraw the invita- tion, but I am too cowardly and he is too sensitive to be disinvited to his face. I could tell him I've cancelled the party but he is sure to discover my pretence. I considered sending him two tickets to the Seychelles, then dismissed the idea on grounds of expense. What can I do?
Name and address withheld
A. There are ways in which you could can- cel this harmless dullard without hurting his feelings but you would be wrong to can- cel him. Not only must you know a dozen lovely spinsters who would welcome the chance to join your party and take him off your hands, but the mood of the forthcom- ing New Year celebrations will be very much coloured by subliminal sensations of impending doom and apocalypse. To assuage anxiety in your house party, there- fore, it is actually a good idea to have a dullard among the numbers. By being nice to him, your fellow guests can get the vague feeling that they are warding off their deserved punishment from the pow- ers that be.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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