YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. In my former job I worked as an advis- er to a senior Cabinet minister. As a result of accompanying my boss to various meetings, I would frequently find myself at boardroom lunches where I was clearly the most junior person present. At one such lunch, the first course was asparagus. I ate it as I had been taught: with my fin- gers rather than with a knife and fork. Looking up, I found every eye in the room upon me. Not only was everyone else my boss included — eating asparagus armed with a knife and fork, they were giving me the sorts of looks normally reserved for those who lick their plates at the end of the meal. I had no desire to correct people for the sake of it, and it would obviously not have been an espe- cially career-enhancing move to have made it clear that it was the rest of the table who were violating the norms of polite society, but I would have liked to have said something to correct their obvi- ous belief that I had been raised by wild animals. In the event, I said nothing and the moment passed. In a similar situation, how could I make it clear that I was not hideously uncouth and ignorant without unnecessarily alienating people?
C.C., Subiaco, Western Australia.
A. Having finished your 'platter' you could look round the table and then cry out, 'Oh, blow me down, I've done it again, haven't I? I'm always being teased about the way I eat asparagus, but I'm afraid I had an English nanny who used to insist that it was correct to eat it with your fingers and, you know, these old habits die hard!'
Q. An author friend of mine has recently produced a massive and much celebrated autobiography and is getting too big for his boots. He is shortly to spend some time with us in the country. He was con- ceited enough before all this praise and attention. How can I cut him down to size?
A.B., Wilts.
A. Buy the most eye-catching possible bookmark or, if necessary, make one your- self and plunge this into the early chapters of your friend's book. Leave the book lying on a prominent surface so that he cannot miss it on his next visit. The pleasure of seeing the book displayed in this manner will quickly fade when he sees, over the course of his stay, that you are stuck on an early chapter.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, Lon- don WC1N 2LL.
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