Odorous Comparisons

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 339 Report by R. J. P. Hewison

delights after Competitors were asked to prescribe the desiderata for certain holiday the model of the classic prescription for coffee.

OR was it the classic prescription? Acknow- ledgements to those readers who pointed out that there is another version. I was aware of this, but, for reasons that seemed good at the time, chose the one that appeared. At any rate, competitors—or should they be called comparators?—were not put off their stroke. Similitudes tame 'as thick as leaves in Vallombrosa'—there I go myself—and far more varied and highly coloured.

There were two main schools. There were those who regarded the subjects pro- posed as (potentially, at any rate) Good Things, and prescribed qualities needed to make them good of their kind. Gloria Prince, for example, desired her Prunes and Custard to be 'soft-bodied as brides : rich- quilted as queens : sweet-melting as maids.' On the other hand were the pessimists. These were attracted particularly to Land- lady's Hash : Nan Wishart, for instance, who made it 'stale as yesterday : familiar as today : inevitable as tomorrow.'

Within these schools were sub-schools, ranging from the earthy, through the poetic (see, in particular, C. Place's Prunes and Custard, quoted below) to the startling and downright surrealist.

First prize of two and a half guineas to Barbara Smoker for a combination of apt- ness, surprise, poetry and sheer exuberance. Second prize of one and a half guineas to Vera Telfer, who enhanced some good com- parisons with a touch of rhyme and rhythm. 'A guinea each to Allan M. Laing and R. Kennard Davis for consistent shooting at all three of their chosen targets. Commen- dations for good single shots to Nan Wishart and those quoted below—I only wish there were room for more. PRIZES

(BARBARA SMOKER)

FISH AND CHIPS: Oily as Uriah Heep: golden as success; redolent as memories.

TOFFEE APPLES: Green within brown, like the springing soil; sweet and sharp as first love; hard-to-the-core, like a villain in melo- drama.

LANDLADY'S HASH: Grey as the dawn; luke- warm as apathy; mysterious as the East.

(it is also messy as hara-kiri; lumpy as a boy's pocket; joyless as a 'manage de con- venance'; inexhaustible as the widow's cruse, inevitable as destiny; recurrent as a recurring decimal or the plop from a dripping tap, English as our weights and measuri.s; tradi- tional as Parliament; and awful as the super- natural!)

(VERA TELFER) TOFFEE APPLES

Tart as truth; Firm as youth; Sweet as Ruth.

Fist' AND CHIPS

Fish as fresh as mountain spate; Potatoes crisp as shrewish Kate; Both as hot as moment's hate; And golden as Samarkand's gate.

RAILWAY BUFFET TEA (desired and obtained by BR)

Tea leaf that from fright has paled; Milk that hath been thrice derailed; Sugar that in life has failed; 'Water that the mules have staled' (Kipling).

(ALLAN M. LAING)

ICE-CREAM CORNETS: Large as life; cold as death; sweet as sin.

RAILWAY BUFFET TEA: Weak as water; bitter as bile; lukewarm as Laodicea.

LANDLADY'S HASH: Mysterious as midnight; sour as a hangover; scarce as virtue.

(R. KENNARD DAVIS) PRUNES AND CUSTARD: Black as a dog's

nose, wrinkled as a landlady's frown, and the custard lumpy as a lodging-house bed.

RAILWAY BUFFET TEA: Dark as ditchwater, bitter as aloes and tepid as a cousin's kiss.

LANDLADY'S HASH: Gristly as a puppy's tail, greasy as a Turk's .head, mysterious as the landlady's bill.

COMMENDED

(FINDLAY P. MURDOCH) LANDLADY'S HASH: Mixed up as a delin- quent; unpredictable as an adolescent; browned off as a Teddy boy.

(C. PLACE)

PRUNES AND CUSTARD: Prunes, sleek as otters' heads; custard, yellow as a hunting moon; juice, bitter-sweet as the kill.

(C. E. MITCHELL) ICE-CREAM CORNETS: Stiff as etiquette; cool as courage; smooth as diplomacy.

(.1. P. MULLARKY) FISH AND CHIPS (in newspaper, of course): Hot as. a racing tip; pungent as scandal; spicy as vice.

(MISS H. PORTER)

LANDLADY'S HASH: Hard as nails; dry as dust; high as,Heaven.

(N. HODGSON)

RAILWAY BUFFET TEA: As long-standing as as a grievance; as sweet as revenge; as thick as two thieves.

(ADRIENNE GASCOIGNE)

LANDLADY'S HASH: Salt as the sea; grey as twilight; mysterious as the moon.

(F. J. R. M.)

RAILWAY BUFFET TEA: Warm as Luke;

strong as water; grey as elephants.