Country life
Nanny trouble
Leanda de Lisle
Children could be a form of sex-aver- sion therapy. Demanding infants do for Passion what sticking your face in an ash- tray does for smoking. At least if you are a Parent. Children have the opposite effect on nannies. They arrive, single and fancy- free, but, in what seems no time at all, they are talking about Stewart or Steve and you know from their goo-goo eyes that they have fallen into the arms of that despicable nanny snatcher — the steady boyfriend. Our current nanny, like others before her, has found the love of a good man and handed in her notice so she can move in With him. Why on earth won't nannies stick to going out with the beastly rogues they seemed content with before? Do they wish to emulate the happy family life they see around them? If so, they should realise how fragile that happiness is. As soon as they have departed, bliss becomes bedlam. Children love to test the boundaries of Permissible behaviour and a new nanny Provides the ideal opportunity for that. The boys will try to find out where their new nanny draws the line by running amok and generally giving anarchy a good name. Naturally we will try to protect the inno- cent arrival from their worst excesses, but I fully expect the nanny to spend her first week in a state approaching clinical shock. That is, if she's normal and doesn't carry an axe.
I have plenty of nanny horror stories. There have been pregnant nannies, half- blind nannies, nannies who treasured Posters of child killers, nannies who had suffered a history of child abuse, but they all pale next to what happened to my friend Lady Rosanagh Dent. Her baby son was looked after by a monthly nurse who was later found guilty of fracturing the skulls of several of her new-born charges. She came recommended from an expensive agency, so I now use them as a last resort.
I started to look for a nanny by advertis- ing through the job centre, which is free, has a nation-wide service, screens appli- cants and has provided me with very good people in the past. 'Good' people are kind but firm, tidy and helpful. I'm told London nannies are too busy polishing their BMWs to empty the dishwasher, but up here it's a different story. Mucking in can mean mucking out. I know of one Leicestershire nanny Who doubled as a second horseman in the winter and helped with the lambing in the spring. However, I'll be happy if the new nanny cleans out the rabbit cage. I'm not too bothered about college diplomas but a country nanny does need a driving licence. The school run takes about two hours a day and in the holidays the boys are often driven several miles to play with friends or swim in their grandparents' pool. Unfortunately it's difficult to know how good a driver someone is when you aren't watching them. One nanny went to collect my boys from school and never came back. When they were 30 minutes late I drove to the school, looking out for signs of an acci- dent. There were none, but they weren't at the school so I decided to telephone home from our pig unit near by. There was a policeman waiting in the drive. 'Are you Mrs de Lisle?' he asked, and I thought my world was about to end. He told me the nanny had overshot atend and the car had turned over twice before landing on its roof. It was a write-off, but, miraculously, the children and the nanny suffered only a few cuts.
Every couple of years a new girl drives off with my children for the first time and I picture the scene my youngest son described: a young woman with blood run- ning down her face and the boys crying for me in the wreckage of the car. Losing a trusted nanny is not merely inconvenient, it is absolutely terrifying. Perhaps I should start putting bromide in the tea we keep in the nursery cupboard.
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